2014 Movie Midterms, Part 2

Posted: July 31, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Brian A. Costello, Movie, Opinion, Man., Review | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Part 1 HERE.  

Part 2 here:

The Grand Budapest Hotel:  Yup, it’s Wes Anderson.  You pretty much know what you’re getting when you walk in.  But in this case that’s a good thing.  The guy really knows how to fill every inch of an impeccably-framed screen with his specific color palette aesthetic and fully nuanced, yet somehow caraciture-y, almost silent movie-esque characters, all of whom delight on every level.  That’s the word for Anderson’s films, actually- delightful.  Which, every once in a while, is a really nice escape from intelligent robots and angsty superheroes and slick laser weapons.  Especially when said delightful roles are fleshed out by the likes of Ralph Fiennes, Ed Norton, Adrien Brody, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Jason Schwartzman, Jude Law, Bill Murray, Harvey Keitel, Tom Wilkinson, F. Murray Abraham, and my current favorite scene-chewing nutjob, Tilda Swinton.

Anyway, yeah.  Wes Anderson, once again, does a fantastic job of gifting us a well-thought-out present, wrapped up in a neat bow, that we didn’t even know we wanted.  And it ain’t even Christmas.

Lord Of The Rings: The Old Testament Noah: A great director?  Yes.  The occasional beautiful visual and/or fantastic storytelling sequence?  Oh, sure.  Some good performances?  Er… maybe?  Bible spectacle without uncomfortable pandering to the Bible Nazis out there?  Yup.

But it doesn’t matter.

Because, ultimately.

This movie.

Is rrrrreally fucking stupid.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2:  “The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is a bad movie.  An embarrassing movie.  But, above all else, a really, really boring movie.  Unless, you know, you’re really into a teenage boy crying a lot as he breaks up/makes up with his girlfriend a few times and/or misses his daddy.”  Click HERE for the full review.

Godzilla: “…having your actors apply minimalist performances to barely-nuanced roles so that the emphasis can be on giant monsters punching each other is a viable directing technique… provided you have enough of the latter.  Godzilla did not.”  Click HERE for the full review.

X-Men Days Of Futue Past: “…ultimately, I enjoyed myself.  Yeah, it’s reeeeeally easy to pick apart with snark, there are many plot-points that exist solely to cram as many familiar faces and/or now-hot actors into the thing as possible, and any time the screenplay seems like it’s writing itself into a corner, some kind of over-explained, yet really simplistic MacGuffin is thrown in to save the day, but it’s still fun.”  Click HERE for the full review.

Snowpiercer:  It’s like The Matrix sequels mashed up with Cube.  On a train.  Starring Captain America.  And it’s a tough one to really discuss.  At times it’s all style and no substance, at other times it’s a very specific, meticulous narrative.  Sometimes it’s a piece about societal philosophy, other times it’s like a hyperviolent music video.  It’s funny, sobering, creepy, and horrifying.  And every time my brain told me the logic was missing and I should just go ahead and dislike the thing, something cool and daring would happen and I was right back in it.

Sorry, that’s about all I have to say.  Well, besides the fact that Chris Evans is truly magnificent in it and Tilda Swinton has never been as awesomely scenery-chewy as she is here (and she’s got the chompers to prove it).  It came out on the same day in theaters and at home (iTunes, On Demand, Amazon Instant, and all that jazz), and is still, at the time of this writing, for sure available at the latter, so do yourself a favor and plunk down a digital seven bucks and check it out.

Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes:  Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes was my favorite movie of 2011, so I went in to this one with seriously unfair expectations.  And, much to my delight, it didn’t meet with any of them.  It was so much better than I could have imagined.  And so very, very different.  Even as the thing unfolded before me I was kept surprised by the directions it took, both character- and plot-wise.  And it takes some serious balls to release a movie, smack in the middle of summer, where, in the first fifteen minutes, or so, the only spoken words come to us via apes occasionally punctuating their sign language with a grunted word or two.  It also takes balls to make a movie that really doesn’t have any clear bad guys.  Sure, there are both apes and humans that negatively affect the plot in order to drive it forward, but they are completely justified in their actions.  Gary Oldman’s Dreyfus character isn’t bad, he simply wants to keep the human race alive.  Bonobo chimp Koba isn’t bad, he simply mistrusts all humans on a basic, instinctual level after years of painful abuse and mutilation as a lab experiment.  In fact, the real bad guys all died either during the last movie or in the ten years that have passed since.  What we’re seeing is their awful legacy- one of acid-like ignorance, distrust, and flippancy surviving, virus-like, in both the human and ape societies in this tale of two “cities.”

But it ain’t all dour.  For every Dreyfus there’s a Malcolm (Jason Clarke)- a human just as driven to keep his people alive, but without the cancerous bias and paranoia.  For every Koba there’s a Caesar- an ape leader interested in the hopes of the mutual survival and possible collaboration between races.  But, as we see every day in our own society, it only takes a few bad apples to spoil the broth, or whatever.  And we get a sense as soon as the humans make their first appearance that this thing is going to spiral into a pretty bad place for everyone involved, tainting any scenes of hope with a twinge of hopelessness.  It’s masterful filmmaking on every level, especially an emotional one.

…and a performance one.  Most notably in the motion capture work.  Yes, Caesar is as dynamic a character as any live-action role out there, thanks to the mocap stalwart that is Andy Serkis, but who really blew me away in this movie was Toby Kebbell as Koba.  And it’s that scene that you’ve probably seen snippets of in the trailer that sells it- Koba approaches two gun-toting humans, pretending to be a regular old performance chimp in order to disarm them, both mentally and physically.  Then he’s got one of their semi-automatics in his hand.  Then, in an instant, a hateful intelligence washes over his face and it’s adios muchachos.  It’s probably the most frightening thirty seconds of any film you’ll see this year.

Is it perfect?  No.  The two (yes, only two) female roles are seriously underwritten (did Judy Greer’s mocap work as Cornelia get mostly excised for a specific reason?  Was Keri Russell supposed to just hang around looking worried all the time?), the pacing was occasionally an issue (to be fair, this is usually something I realize I’m wrong about upon a second viewing), and the big finale was straight out of the action movie handbook (two characters duke it out on top of a precariously unfinished, tall structure).  But these things are, ultimately, completely forgivable in that they are molehills compared to the sheer mountains of fantastic design, directorial, performance, and plain old stylistic choices on display.  I’m so happy these movies are being made.  Bring on the third one.

So, that’s what I got, so far.  I missed a few that I meant to see (Edge Of Tomorrow, How To Train Your Dragon 2, and that other Hercules movie (just for sharts & wiggles)), but I imagine they’ll be available at home by the end of the year, so it’ll happen.  And no, I’m not going to see Transformers 4.  Because I’ve already seen it three times.  Oh, and Guardians Of The Galaxy comes out tomorrow, and wild horses couldn’t drag me away.  Uh, from the theater.  When, like, I see it.  OK, wrong imagery, I suppose, but you get it.  Later!

Dawn Koba

Fleshy-Headed Mutants From The Forbidden Zone.

Posted: June 5, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Brian A. Costello, Movie, Review | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

X-Men: Days Of Future Past: Not really sure what to say about this one.  It’s good, I guess.  I mean, it was kind of exciting at times… just plain “there” at others… I dunno.  It’s an X-Men movie.  They’re really all the friggin’ same.  And with Bryan Singer back behind the camera it’s never going to be much more then lukewarm, anyway.

The plot?  Er… well, the future sucks, so Mutant Juno sends Mutant Jean Valjean’s…  um, wait… is it actually the future?  I guess it’s really the present, considering Mutant Gandalf and Mutant Captain Picard are still really old alive and kicking.  But wait, didn’t Mutant Picard die a few movies ago?  Whatever.  It must be an “alternate MacGuffin timeline,” or whatever.

Sorry.  Where was I?

The future sucks, so Mutant Juno sends Mutant Jean Valjean’s MacGuffin consciousness back to his 1970’s body to change history by stopping Non-Mutant Tyrion Lannister from building super robots that will eventually wipe out everybody.  So, basically, it’s The Terminator.  You see, these super robots are programmed to track and kill mutants, specifically, but I guess eventually that’s not enough, so they start killing non-mutants, too.  I think.  I mean, we were supposed to glean that from the story, right?  I can’t remember if it was actually ever mentioned.  But there’s no one around in the scorched-sky barren wasteland that is this movie’s “future” except for a ragtag band of mutants and an army of upgraded, adaptive “sentinels” hell-bent on killing whoever’s left in some underground bunker.  So, basically, it’s The Matrix: Revolutions.  Meanwhile, in the past, Mutant Guy From Wanted can walk again.  Because, Mutant Jack The Giant Slayer made a MacGuffin serum that temporarily fixes his spinal cord AND conveniently suppresses his ability to read and control minds, thus doing away with pesky audience questions like, “well, why can’t he just find out what Non-Mutant Tyrion Lannister’s plans are,” or, “why can’t he stop Mutant Katniss Everdeen from going all Jason Bourne on everybody,” or, “why can’t he control Non-Helmeted Mutant Lieutenant Archie Hicox’s murderous magnetic tendencies?”

Um… sorry.  Lost my train of thought.

Oh, right, the 1970’s.  Well, Mutant Katniss Everdeen is running around doing her own thing- murder, mayhem, figuring out Non-Mutant Tyrion Lannister’s ultimate plans by disguising herself as him and gaining access to all his research… which she doesn’t destroy for some reason… and Mutant 24601’s crew set out to break Mutant Hicox out of his plastic-and-glass prison with the help of Mutant Recurring American Horror Story Actor and his super-speed.  Which they do.  Then Mutant Horror Story leaves them, because he would be way too helpful to the rest of the plot, and that would cut the movie in half.  Finally, all the mutants converge on Non-Mutant Dick Nixon’s front lawn for a balls-out battle with the super robots, which somehow run on 1970’s technology that would be considered “futuristic” by even tomorrow’s standards, and everybody walks away with a peaceful, easy feeling and hearts that grew three sizes that day.

Except Hugh Jackman.  He gets thrown into a river.

So, um… all that.

But, ultimately, I enjoyed myself.  Yeah, it’s reeeeeally easy to pick apart with snark (I wrote that synopsis in a few minutes with no editing), there are many plot-points that exist solely to cram as many familiar faces and/or now-hot actors into the thing as possible (seriously- it’s a movie starring Hugh Jackman and a shitload of extended cameos), and any time the screenplay seems like it’s writing itself into a corner, some kind of over-explained, yet really simplistic MacGuffin is thrown in to save the day (Prof. X’s spine serum, Kitty Pryde’s sudden ability to send someone into the past, plus, you know, every hand-picked-for-this-plot mutant’s power…), but it’s still fun.  I mean, as forced, out-of-place, and precious as Quicksilver’s* scenes were, they were the coolest in the flick, and Evan Peters was seriously great.  As was James McAvoy- dude took some bad, almost soap-opera level, obvious dialogue and turned it into genuine pathos.  And Hugh Jackman will never not be totally fucking cool in that role.

But there’s still the Bryan Singer problem.  Things are just too clean and neat with him.  His visual style is very Brian DePalma, but without the balls.  His action sequences reference Spielberg, but without the fun.  He never seems to want to blow our minds.  Instead he sort of expects us to meet him halfway, shake hands, and go about our business at 60-100 beats per minute.  Which, for some flicks, isn’t automatically the worst thing in the world.  But this is a superhero movie, and that ain’t gonna fly here.  Case in point (speaking of superheroes and flying)- if his Superman Returns had just one fucking INSANE action sequence, just one, we’d remember it fondly instead of shrugging our collective shoulders and saying, “yeah, whatever.**”  Oh, and to be clear- I’m not saying Days Of Future Past is full of Superman Returns-level non-action.  Far from it.  But its action bits still leave me wanting more.  Yes, Singer seems to have taken some positive steps forward in this regard, but the dude has made four comic-book movies now, and while I see more action than before, I’m not really seeing it get exponentially better.  Last year, James Mangold took my breath away a couple of times with The Wolverine.  This year, Singer fell just a bit short of that with DOFP… and he’s got like 10 times the muties on his palette.

Anyway, again, not a bad flick.  If you haven’t seen it yet, you should.  Once.  Maybe once again when it comes out on DVD/Blu at the Redbox, or when it streams on Netflix.  After that… maybe catch a scene or two when it becomes a twice-a-year Sunday afternoon TBS or TNT staple…

…but that’s it.

Entertained

*Okay, so here’s the (confusing) deal: both 20th Century Fox and Marvel Studios own the rights to this character, so you’ll be seeing him here and in The Avengers: Age Of Ultron, played by a different actor.  It will be totally unrelated to these flicks, and he won’t be referred to as a “mutant” there, because, legalities, and stuff.  Anyway, it seems to me that his superfluous (albeit really fucking cool) presence here was Fox’s way of beating the FAR SUPERIOR Marvel Universe movies to the punch with this guy.  Because, you know, someone has to have the bigger movie cock, and all…

**The airplane sequence doesn’t count.  Sorry.  Yes, it was well done, but far from INSANE.  You want crazy action?  Last year’s Man Of Steel had it in spades, whether you liked that flick or not.

2013: A Year In, Like, uhh… My Opinions, Man.

Posted: January 8, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Brian A. Costello, Movie, Opinion, Man., Review | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Not going to bother with the usual, “this is the order of the movies I saw this year from worst to best” thing.  Instead, here’s the best, the worst, the runners-up, and then some fun.

Worst Movie Runner-Up: A Good Day To Die Hard

Yeah, it was so bad I turned it off.  I can count on one hand how many times I’ve done that, with fingers to spare.  I’d say this movie took a dump on its own history, but that’s too blasé.  What it actually did was spray diarrhea all over its history.  Then Bruce Willis wiped its ass with a hundred-dollar bill, took a match to said benjamin, used that to light a stogie, and then tossed the still-burning match in your eye.

You know, I was all set to call this one the worst movie of the year, but I’m not sure that’s fair since, as stated, I never finished watching it.  Who knows, maybe it suddenly got really good and had a fantastic second half.  Probably not, but until the day I revisit it and finish it (you know, that day when it snows in hell…), I’m not gonna call it 2013’s worst.  No, that honor goes to…

Worst Movie Of The Year: Oz The Great And Powerful

A movie that makes the overreliance on CGI in the Star Wars prequels look positively tame.  A movie that uses color like a blunt weapon.  A movie that might have a script, but I refuse to believe humans could be so dumb.  A movie that makes me embarrassed for almost everyone on screen.  A movie that makes Sam Raimi look like a complete sellout.

The love for this movie astounds me.  Maybe it’s based on 75 years of goodwill?  Dunno.  When I watched it I didn’t think, “this was a viable prequel to The Wizard Of Oz.”  No, my thinking was more along the lines of, “you might have used every color in the Crayola box to draw it, but a crayon abortion is still an abortion.”

Favorite Movie Runner-Up: Iron Man 3

The best Marvel flick out there that isn’t called The Avengers.  It exists as a reminder that heroes, be they real or fictional, are humans first.  And humans are intricate creatures that go through some real tough mental shit sometimes.

Also, it’s got flying mechanical suits of armor that shoot repulsor beams at genetically-altered bad guys.

Favourite Movie Of The Year: The World’s End

The thrilling end to Edgar Wright’s “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy.”  Which isn’t really a trilogy, in the strictest sense.  But it is three movies, linked by director, writers, actors, and garden fence shenanigans.  So, a trilogy in spirit.  With ice cream.

I went from kind of liking it in the theater to being obsessed by it at home.  Seriously, just like Shaun Of The Dead, this is a movie that I’m not going to get bored with.  I could pop it in at any time.  It may even surpass said zombie movie in my favorites list, given a few years.  It’s sad, it’s happy, it’s funny, it’s sly, it’s super-smart, it’s deliciously layered, it’s wickedly loquacious, it’s utterly brilliant.

The-Worlds-End-Simon-Pegg

Now that that’s over with, here’s the first (and probably last) annual “Opinion, Man Movie Awards” for 2013.

Worst Use Of A Pretty Good Ensemble: Jack The Giant Slayer

Ewan McGregor.  Stanley Tucci.  Ian McShane.  Bill Nighy.  Eddie Marsan.  Thanks for wasting their time and ours, Bryan Singer.  Good luck with your next mutant movie.  I’m sure it will be soooooo exciting…

Best Use Of Channing Tatum: G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Because they kill him off right away.

Coolest Experience In A Movie Theater: Gravity

Fuck 3-D.  This thing will immerse you in the immensity of the universe without those stupid glasses.  Besides, you don’t need shit popping out at you to experience fear, hope, loss, and emotional rebirth.

Also, side note- you’ll all be receiving a save-the-date card in the mail soon for the Bullock-Costello nuptials  (never thought I’d say that.  Well, post-Demolition Man, anyway…).

EDIT, 2:45 PM, 1/8/14: As this has actually caused some confusion amongst a reader or two, I feel the need to say this- I’m not actually engaged to Sandra Bullock.  Hard to believe she wouldn’t want to marry me, I know, but in my defense, she hasn’t met me yet.

Best Movie I Haven’t Seen Yet: Inside Llewyn Davis

Because, Coens.

The Saved-By-A-Second-Viewing Award: Man Of Steel

Remember all that hubbub about how much city-wide destruction happens in this movie and how it totally ruins it?  Yeah.  While you were fretting over all those poor, wounded fictional masses you forgot to watch the movie.  And, yes, I know I added to that ridiculous discussion.  I was wrong.  So was everybody else.  See it again.

The Saved-By-A-Superior-Extended-Edition Award: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Extended Edition)

Peter Jackson rules.  Extended Peter Jackson rules more (HIIIYYYOOO!!).

The Most Fun At The Theater Award: The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug

That barrel scene, man.  Fun, silly, thrilling, scary, effing cool.

Also, Benedict Cumbersmaug.

Best Non-Tolkien Use Of Elves And Magical Weapons: Thor: The Dark World

Maybe not as insightful as Iron Man 3, but why should it be?  It’s about a Norse god who throws a flying hammer around when he’s not lighting a fire in Queen Amidala’s nethers.  It’s more Flash Gordon than it is Superman, and that’s just perfect.

Best Sequel That Totally Negates Its Awful Predecessor: V/H/S/2

Next up: L/A/S/E/R/D/I/S/C.

Best Movie About Old Friends.  And Beer.  And Robots: The World’s End

There’s a little bit of Gary King in all of us.  Which is why, after all the awful things he does to manipulate his friends, we still love him.

Best Villain Reveal, Maybe Ever: Iron Man 3

If the big Mandarin twist gets your panties in a bunch, you’re taking it too seriously.  And you totally missed the point.

Batshit-Fucking-Crazy Movie Of The Year: Escape From Tomorrow

If Eraserhead took place at Disneyland it might look something like this.  Take away all the “guerilla-style filmmaking without Disney’s permission” stuff and you’ve still got a completely engrossing bit of independant filmmaking that will keep your brain firing on all cylinders.  Now add that stuff back and it becomes some next-level shit.  It’s a surreal world, after all.

Best Prequel: Monsters University

Pixar, you complete me.

Best Use Of Buckets And Buckets And Buckets Of Chunky, Bloody Vomit: Evil Dead

It ain’t perfect, but it is perfectly gross.  So very perfectly gross.  And to stand tall as both a quality remake to a beloved series and a cabin-in-the-woods horror movie in a post-Cabin In The Woods world only makes it cooler.

Best Turnaround For A Mediocre, Non-Avengers-Related Comic Book Movie Series: The Wolverine

It’s so good that you wish they’d just abandon those uneven, awkward X-Men movies and just make Wolverine sequels from now on.

Best Mashup Of Other Movies: Oblivion

I mean, you’ve already seen this movie, like, ten times, so why not check it out again… for the first time?

The “Holy Shit, Michael Bay Is Actually Talented When He Wants To Be” Award: Pain & Gain

I guess he’s more than meets… the… eye…

Kill me now.

The “Let’s Waste An Amazing Amount Of Time Whining & Complaining About And Being Really Angry & Picking Fights Over Something As Universally Unimportant As A Big-Budget Blockbuster Sequel To A Big-Budget Blockbuster Remake Of An Absolutely Brilliant, Yet, Ultimately, Cancelled 60’s Sci-Fi Television Show” Award: Star Trek Into Darkness

You mean you can like both cats and dogs?  Red and white wine?  The Russian Tea Room and Taco Bell?  Vanilla and chocolate?  Classic Trek and Pop Trek?  Beam me to THAT fucking planet, Scotty, this one’s lost up its own arse.

Most Bipolar Movie Of The Year: Pacific Rim

Pro: Truly spectacular, jaw-dropping giant monsters vs. giant robots action.

Con: Everything else.

The double sledgehammer-to-the-frontal-lobe subplot featuring the hate crime onscreen pairing of, uh, scientists Charlie Day and Burn Gorman might make you lose the will to live.  But if you can get through it, I promise a robot will punch a monster in the face.  Several times.

The “Awww… How Cute… But I Never Need To See It Again” Award: This Is The End

Funny guys play “themselves” during the apocalypse in LA.  It’s worth seeing.  Then it’s worth remembering that you saw it.  Then go back to your life.

Best Movie That Wasn’t Bad Despite What You Heard But Is Absolutely Too Long (By, Like, 30 Minutes): The Lone Ranger

Too many plots, too many characters, too many frames of film.  It’s what Gore Verbinski does.  It worked for his three Pirates Of The Caribbean movies, and it worked for Rango, but here it’s too much.  When the big finale happens, complete with the William Tell Overture, it seems completely out of place.  But that’s because the movie finally gets over itself and does what it should have done from the getgo: ENTERFUCKINGTAIN.

Best Under-The-Radar Comedy: Movie 43

Hugh Jackman shows his balls in this movie.  You’re welcome.

Most Shockingly Not-Bad Movie: After Earth

…now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with Mr. Smiff about my thetan levels…

Good, Yet Most Overrated HBO Thing Of The Year: Behind The Candelabra

Michael Douglas and Matt Damon have a complicated relationship.  For two hours.

Most Geographically-Convenient Plane Crash Movie: World War Z

How come my planes never crash within walking distance of a brewery?

Best Humble Little Action Movie Featuring A Long-Awaited Return To The Biz: The Last Stand

We missed you, Arnold.  This was a great career-restarter.  And it was the best acting you’ve done in… maybe ever?  Now stop making Expendables movies and get your ass back to Mars, or something.

The Unintentionally Implied Incest Award: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

I mean, if I were Gemma Arterton’s brother, I guess I’d be into it, too…

Biggest Letdown Of The Year: John Dies At The End

Bubba Ho-Tep it ain’t.

Worst Jodie Foster Performance Since The Dawn Of History: Elysium

I mean, seriously.  There’s some next-level bad acting happening here.  Also, the movie’s not so good.

Best Die Hard Movie Of The Year: Olympus Has Fallen

Totally fun, totally self-assured, totally exciting.  Gerard Butler knows how to entertain by keeping it simple.

Dumbest Die Hard Movie Of The Year: White House Down

Totally boring, totally self-conscious, totally lazy.  Channing Tatum knows how to chew gum.  And walk.  Just not at the same time.

Worst Die Hard Movie Of The Year: A Good Day To Die Hard

Totally fucking banal, totally fucking clueless, totally fucking stupid.  Bruce Willis knows how to spend your fucking money.

The Most Colorful Turd You’ll Ever Smell Award: Oz The Great And Powerful

“Hey, wow, that porcelain doll character is gonna be so photorealistic!  Let’s feature her for 30 minutes of the runtime- we need something to offset Mila Kunis’ worst career performance.  And will somebody wake Michelle Williams?  She was asleep for her last three scenes.  And I never thought I’d say this, but will someone get James Franco more high, please?  He’s having trouble picturing all the greens and golds and cornflower blues we’re going to digitally vomit up onto the screen to overcompensate for this sub-George Lucas script.  Oh, and hey, keep an eye on Rachel Weisz- she keeps trying to escape.  Also, stay away from the men’s room between takes- Zach Braff is trying really hard to stay in flying-monkey character, so he’s throwing poop at the mirrors and chronically masturbating in the corner stall.”

-Sam Raimi

Well, that’s it.  Only 32 movies.  12 seen in a theater, 1 made-for-TV, 1 Blu-Ray Extended Edition, 1 never finished, 4 based on comic books, 2 based on fairy tales, 2 “abandoned Earth” Scientology flicks, 4 prequels, 8 sequels, 3 Die Hards, and that one I know is great even though I haven’t seen it yet.  

So, what’s up for 2014?  Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit might be good… I, Frankenstein could either be dumb fun or another Van Helsing… against my better judgement, I actually have hope for the Robocop remake, although a well-cut trailer does not a good movie make… 300: Rise Of An Empire will, at the very least, look pretty… Nymphomaniac will undoubtedly be controversial, because, people… Captain America 2 could go either way, but I’m betting on a thumbs-up… New Spidey 2 might actually pull a V/H/S/2 and redeem its bad predecessor… Godzilla, uh, ?… will X-Men: Days Of Future Past be as good as The Wolverine, will it be as pretty good as the overrated First Class?  As I have no faith in Bryan Singer, I’m betting on the latter… Transformers 4 will be Transformers 1-3 thrown in a blender and repackaged as “a new direction for the franchise”… if Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes is half as good as Rise Of, I’ll be one happy human… I hope Guardians Of The Galaxy is a home run, because it sounds so cool… Expendables 3 is happening… Sin City 2?  Shouldn’t that have happened years ago?  Do we even care anymore?… I guess I could say the same about Dumb And Dumber To, but I won’t because I miss Jim Carrey… um, is Clerks III still a thing?  Can we make it not still a thing?… and, finally, The Hobbit: There And Back Again.  I preemptively love it.  But you knew that already.

Anyway, it was fun, 2013.  Catch you later.

-BC

eyescratch

More 2013 Movies, Part 2: CGIants, Mint Chocolate Chip, And An Open Letter To Michael Bay.

Posted: September 27, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Brian A. Costello, Movie, Review | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

More.

Part 1 HERE.

Jack The Giant Slayer – I know a couple of months ago I said I wasn’t going to see this (HERE, somewhere), but Sundays can do funny things to a man.  Especially after a serious night of excess and karaoke.  Or is that redundant?  Anyway, the Redbox is literally across the street in the CVS, rentals only cost a buck and change, and I needed to buy toilet paper anyway, so…

I was actually OK with this flick at first.  It started out competently enough, trying to build this extended fairy tale world to add some importance to a centuries-old tale of a dumbass who trades a cow for beans (they’re good for your heart…*)  But then it went too far.  Like, over the falls.  I mean, go ahead and shoot for The Hobbit, if you must, Bryan Singer, but don’t try to make it Lord Of The Rings.  It’s still supposed to be a fable about personal responsibility.  You didn’t need to bring the king and his entire army a half a mile from the castle to sit around a giant beanstalk while a ragtag group of wise-cracking officers climb the thing to rescue a princess, search for the magic mind-control übercrown, and try and prevent Giantgeddon from happening.  Because what that entire army was really there for was for us to be all like, “wow.  There’s an entire army there.  This thing must be EPIC.”  Which we didn’t do, because we’re not fucking numb.  And then there was, like, an army of giants, too.  Because one wasn’t enough.  And there were power struggles amongst the giants that I think were supposed to make us all like, “hey, these giants have this intricate, if not barbaric, society where the two-headed one rules, because… well, two heads, I guess.”  Or maybe it was because he had Bill Nighy’s voice.  That would have been enough for me, were I a lowly giant peon in the Giant Caste System, I guess.  And then Ewan McGregor was all like, “I’m important, because I’m charming,” and Stanley Tucci was all like, “I’m evil because I have these ridiculous fake teeth,” and his sidekick was all like, “I played Spud in Trainspotting,” and Eleanor Tomlinson was all like, “I’m a vaguely feminist fairy tale princess that doesn’t follow the rules… EEEEEEEK!  A GIANT!” And Nicholas Hoult was all like, “I think I might be Bryan Singer’s new toyboy,” and then Ian McShane said to his agent, “WHAT THE HOLY FUCK, YOU ASSHOLE, FIRST SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN, AND NOW THIS?!?!?  I PLAYED SWEARENGEN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!” (and then Eddie Marsan said the same thing to his agent, except he replaced “what the holy fuck, you asshole,” with “thanks, man,” skipped the all-caps, and ended it with another “thank you,” because he didn’t play Swearengen, for fuck’s sake), and then everyone was like, “Battle!  Siege!  Moat!  Fire!  Huzzah!”

And then I was all like, “oh, the credits are rolling… Man, I wish I had rewatched The Troll Hunter instead.”

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*…the more you eat….

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The World’s End – GREEN CORNETTO!!!!!  Yeah, so I was an easy target with this one.  Shaun Of The Dead is easily a Top-5 movie (of all time) for me, and I think Hot Fuzz, while maybe not that high on my (nonexistent) list, is just as brilliant.  Simon Pegg is a genius, Nick Frost is the shit, and Edgar Wright is a true talent behind the lens.  If you haven’t seen Spaced, get that Netflix queue a-streamin’.  Those three guys were made for lovin’ you, baby, and you were made for lovin’ them.

So, The World’s End.  I’m basically having a Hot Fuzz time with it at this point, which is to say I saw it and I thought it was great, but it’s gonna take that crucial second viewing to shore up why.  Because there’s always some tasty subtext going on with the Wright/Pegg/Frost stuff that requires multiple viewings in order to really see the nuance behind the in-your-face greatness.  But, since the in-your-face greatness is all I’ve got for now, I’ll just go ahead and talk about some of it.

The acting.  Five friends, five fully realized characters, five awesome performances (Pegg, Frost, Eddie Marsan, Paddy Consadine, Bilbo Watson Martin Freeman).  You already know I think Pegg & Frost poop platinum, and with The Hobbit, Sherlock and The Office (the good one), Freeman (who is also in both Shaun & Fuzz) can do no wrong.  But Consadine (also in Fuzz) and Marsan effortlessly stood right up alongside those guys.  Each had their own way of “doing the right thing” by Pegg’s off-the-wagon alcoholic loser, humoring him, feeling sorry for him, but maintaining their identities as grown-ass men who left all this pub-crawling BS behind 20 years ago.  Oh, and Rosamund Pike is in it, too.  Still not sold on Ms. Pike.  I think she’s a good actor, but something about her always gives me pause.  Can’t put my finger on it.  This flick did make me want to see more of her, though.  I mean that nakedly.

The action.  Meticulously choreographed, hyper-kinetic, one-shot fight scenes that actually made my mouth hang open.  And the visuals broke my mind a few times.  Like the woman who suddenly has legs-for-arms coming at our heroes like a whirling dervish, or a robot teenager getting his head caved in and spurting thick, blue blood from the stump…

Oh, right…

The sci-fi.  Yeah, uh, robots.  The town the five friends have gone back to so Gary (Pegg) can relive his past glories has been taken over by an alien force and populated by robots (for lack of a better term).  But it’s not a movie brimming with laser beams and teleportation machines.  The sci-fi is just the vehicle for a very human story about depression, arrested development, alcohol abuse, friendship, and loss.  And, although I don’t want to give anything away, it culminates in a very Star Trek-inspired ending.  Sort of like if Kirk, stricken with Rigellian Fever, asked Landru, “what does god need with a starship?” on the Klingon high court set from Undiscovered Country.

Yeah, I totally just lost you there, didn’t I.  Sorry.

Basically, what I’m saying here is it’s the kind of sci-fi that relies on thought and reason to save the day, and not Spock yelling, “KHAAAAN!” as he beams out to beat up Benny Cumberbatch on the back of a space taxi.*

So, it’s weird, it’s funny, it’s thrilling, it’s sad, it’s thought-provoking.  It’s got some fan-service for the followers of the last two “Cornetto” flicks.  It’s got a satisfying conclusion.  It’s got a fun little coda.  It’s worth your time.

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*I can bag on Star Trek Into Darkness all I want because I liked it.  THPPTH!!!

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Pain & Gain –

Dearest Michael Bay,

There’s something you need to understand, friend.  The Transformers movies are not where you should be spending your, uh… “talent.”  They blow.  Stuff like this is where you belong.  You’ll never be Scorsese.  You’ll never be a Coen.  Hell, you’ll never even be Tony Scott.  But it’s clear you have some passion for storytelling.  So, stop wasting it on stuff you’re not passionate about.  I get that the giant robot car movies probably make you enough money to own entire countries, but how many countries do you need, man?  Pain & Gain is where it’s at for you, dude.  A steroid-&-cocaine-fueled “true story” about three muscleheads taking the American Dream by the balls, by any means necessary, in shallow, body-conscious, mid-90’s Miami is a no-brainer for you.  It’s your bread and butter.  It’s about as close to art as you’ll ever get, and it is appreciated.  Seriously.  No irony here.  I mean, fuck, you even made me thoroughly enjoy Dwayne Johnson.  Usually the best compliment I can give him is “he’s OK for a wrestler, I guess.”  But here?  An actual nuanced performance.  How the hell did you pull that off?  And Marky Mark, too.  Usually it takes a director like David O. Russell or P.T. Anderson to make that guy not completely annoying, but here he is in a Michael Bay movie putting in an almost brilliant performance.  And this thing was funny, too.  Like, darkly funny.  Did you have any idea you could pull off a black comedy?  I sure didn’t.  Yeah, it’s a little long, and yeah, it feels like it starts five times, but I’m actually going to go ahead and chalk that up to you settling on an honest-to-god tone for this thing.  An uncomfortable, “what are we getting ourselves into?” tone that perfectly captures the insanity these three bros have thrust themselves, willingly, into.  And you didn’t even feel the need to make every shot a tracking one that only lasts 1.5 seconds, like you tend to do.  Hell, I’m pretty sure there were entire scenes using stationary cameras.  Sure, the editing and cinematography were still stylized as hell, but you actually kind of let that take a backseat and let the story drive the plot forward.  Unreal, brah.  Unreal.

So, what’s next for you, m’man?  Another bit of sci-fi Logan’s Run-esque coolness like The Island?  Maybe another bit of stylized Lethal Weapon-ish buddy cop action like Bad Boys 2?  Or maybe even another Very Bad Things-style awkward black comedy crime flick like Pain & Gain?

Oh.  Transformers 4.  Well, it was fun while it lasted.  Brah.

Sincerely,

Brian A. Costello

PAIN AND GAIN

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That’s it for now.  Later, ‘gator.

kil