Brevity Is The Soul Of Shit

Halo 4: What a piece of junk.  I don’t care how good looking it is, 60 bucks is a lot of cash for something that only lasts 7 hours.*  Hell, there was so much going on in Borderlands 2 that I couldn’t even tell you how long Playthrough 1 was.  I think it has to be measured in days, actually.  And seriously, that game’s been out since mid-September and I’m STILL playing it, even though I finished the damn thing.  Halo 4, on the other hand, I may never pick up again.

I played the campaign in co-op with my buddy Nate.  Right off the bat he ran into odd intermittent lag issues, but they didn’t seem to be of the internet-connection variety.  What happens is anything done with the left stick (movement), or the right trigger (firing), has a 1 – 2 second delay.  But the right “camera” stick works just fine.  Since everything’s happening in real-time, you can imagine how frustrating and confusing that got.  Once we got past the pre-Title card sequence the issue went away… until the final chapter where it hit me, 30 seconds on, 30 seconds off.  Not cool.

Anyway, we were having a pretty good time with the game for a bit- it’s absolutely gorgeous, the new enemies were promising (and pretty cool looking), and the new weapons add a fresh bit of gameplay… but we noticed something was definitely rotten in the planet of Requiem when the “indoor” missions started to get repetitive in their objectives, and really repetitive visually.  Sure, what we were seeing was fantastically rendered, but it was all so samey.  Remember Tron: Legacy the movie?  Remember how cool its laser-light minimal color palette looked… for about 30 minutes?  Then remember how it became a chore to stay awake because it ended up being too, well, minimal to bother paying attention to anymore?  Now imagine having to run through corridors that look like that over and over and over again.  Yeah.

The “outdoor” missions were a little better, if for no other reason than they broke up the monotony, visually.  But the gameplay was horribly linear.  I mean, sure, the Halo series has always been relatively linear, but in this case you literally have no choice but to approach a mission destination and just unload your magazines on enemies until they’re all gone.  There’s no variety or choice in how you approach danger here- running and gunning is pretty much the M.O.  This renders the point of multiple weapon choices moot.  You’re just as fine cleaning up with your Magnum as you are with a Light Rifle, or a Covenant Carbine.  But you will run out of ammo constantly, so said weapon variety is sort of forced upon you.  Also, by the way, you may find yourself suddenly dying.  A lot.  Without ever having a chance to know what was about to hit you.  In other words, “strategy schmategy, just shoot stuff with your gun.”

They throw in a couple of bits that require you to drive a Warthog, a Tank, a Banshee, a Ghost, etc… but these sections feel like fan service (“people will expect this, as they’ve been in all of the past games”) and are therefore hollow experiences.  Hell, that’s pretty much my take on the entire game.  Hollow fan service.**  It’s the only reason the Covenant was in this thing at all.  Maybe if they had spent more time designing more than ONLY THREE TYPES of new baddie we’d have something original on our hands.***  Actually, there was one bit at the top of the final chapter where they tried for something different- a jet flight through a Death Star-like trench.  Unfortunately, this was the WORST PART of the entire game.  Completely unintuitive controls, coupled with confusing visuals… and, I shit you not, continue points that respawn you a few feet from a wall that you immediately crash into and respawn again, and again… until you realize that you have to jam the control stick to the right and hope you make it through a closing hole in said wall that you can’t even see until you’re through it.

And then the game just… ends.  Unceremoniously, ridiculously, almost quick time event… ed… ly (instead of “‘X’ then ‘Y'” you press “Up” to “crawl” at the big bad in sort of real-time, then “Right Trigger” to plant a bomb on him.  It’s QTE-Plus, really).  Oh, and then, Spoiler Alert- Cortana dies.  If this makes you cry then you actually care a little too much about the “story” part of the Halo saga and are therefore hopeless.****

I have not spent any time with the multiplayer mode or whatever this chapter-based “Spartan Ops” mode is, and I probably won’t.  Deathmatch multiplayer, for me, is only fun amongst friends (through experience, I subscribe to the generalization that anonymous XBox Live nerdlingers are evil, pimply manchildren.  Or, you know, actual children), and then only for about 30 minutes.  Then it gets old.  “Spartan Ops” sounds vaguely interesting, but it’s still not the main game, which is what I pay money for.  Note to all game developers out there:  THE CAMPAIGN SHOULD ALWAYS BE YOUR #1 CONCERN.  ANY AND ALL OTHER PLAY MODES SHOULD BE BONUSES, NOT YOUR MAIN FOCUS.  If you want to spend all your energy on the multiplayer aspect, release it as a separate game.

So, yeah, between this and Assassin’s Creed III, it’s been a shitty couple of weeks for game sequels.  But at least AC3, for all its gameplay shortcomings, went for something big.  Definitely easier to forgive something for trying too much as opposed to not enough.  I almost feel bad for trashing that game now that I’ve seen H4.  Almost.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get back to Borderlands 2.

Thumbs down for a Halo game that if you blink, you’ll miss.  (It’s even shorter than O.D.S.T.  You should have learned from Bungie’s biggest mistake, 343 Industries).

*This is not a “my videogame prowess is bigger than your videogame prowess” statement.  I actually like to take my time with games.  There was almost no choice to do that here.  Also, by the last two chapters, I had had enough and really just wanted to end the damned thing as soon as possible.

**There’s a cutscene where Master Chief (who continues his reign as the most blandly-voiced game character, ever) steps out of a ship and sees one of the series’ iconic Halos.  He says, “is that a Halo?”  Then the game just sort of moves on.  If I ended up dealing with it in-game, it was lost in the, uh… “action.”

***I just looked this up and found a chart showing a whopping TWENTY ONE types of “forerunner” in the game.  If this is true (and not just concept art), you’d never know it from playing H4.  All I saw were the ones on two legs, the ones on four legs, and the flying ones that heal them.  Again, samey.

****…or maybe you’re just lamenting the loss of her CG boobs.  You’re still hopeless.

Red Dead Assassin

“Wait, wait, wait… let me get this straight.  No reviews for, like, 7 months, then suddenly one for a VIDEO GAME?  It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

Don’t worry.  This will be just as rambling, poorly written, and amateurish as the rest of them.

This review is for the first half of the game.  Cuz, that’s, like, where I’m at, man.  Also, XBox.

Assassin’s Creed III:  I just finished a side mission where the objective was to liberate a fort in the wilderness.  There are three objectives when doing this- blow up the shed that contains gunpowder, kill the Fort Captain, and lower the British flag.  Conceptually, this should be done as stealthily as possible.  Here’s how it went:

I took to the trees to find an aerial way in, as to not be seen.  Two seconds in, an enemy directly below me on horseback that wasn’t looking up “saw” me and triggered the “red” status, meaning everyone was alerted to my presence.  I killed him, waited for the incessant bell clanging to stop, and tried again.  This time I made it past the wall.  I took out one guard with a poison dart to divert the attention of a second guard, and shot said second guard with an arrow.  A third guard was about 75 feet from me, but that’s apparently too far a target for a Native American with hunting skills to hit with an arrow, so I left him alone.  Next, I blew up the shed.  More bell clanging, the white-bordered red dot in the minimap that signifies the Fort Captain moved about 10 feet towards the sound, but in the end, no one came to check out the huge explosion in their fort that took out a shed full of important materials.  So, I checked my minimap for other red dots (regular enemies) and started towards the Captain… only to be attacked by three guards that must have 18th century cloaking devices, because there were no red dots signifying their existence in the game.  Anyway, when you’re fighting, a red triangle with a white dot in it is supposed to appear above an enemy that is about to attack, meaning you should perform a “B” button counter-move.  In actuality, through bad programming, the red triangle only appears about half of the time, so I reached a point where death was certain.  Luckily, all three guards suddenly stopped doing anything besides standing there, looking like the three most reluctant soldiers in the British Empire, so I just stood in the middle of them and allowed myself to slowly heal.  Once I was ready, I hacked at the closest guy, then killed all three.  As I walked closer to the Captain a dog barked and, accompanied by his master, charged at me.  I took about three steps further in and both dog and master just sort of gave up and turned around.  The Captain didn’t, though, so that barking was his downfall.  No one saw me kill him, so, for a second, I felt like I was actually playing an Assassin’s Creed game.  Next was the flag bit, but, really, just re-read the first 2/3 of this paragraph and replace “Captain” with “flag pole.”  It doesn’t really work, but, then again, neither does this game.

So, Assassin’s Creed III isn’t very good.  I’m about 50% through the story, and I will probably finish it, but any desire to get “100% Sync” went out the window days ago.  There’s the issues mentioned above (literally every “fort liberation” mission thusfar went about as well, with varying degrees of, “WTF?!?”), and then there’s the rest of the game.  Early on, once you take on the role of Connor*, there’s a main story mission where you have to follow Sam Adams (Brewer. Patriot.) to a print shop so you can bribe the printer to distribute propaganda that will take the heat off of you (you were framed for the Boston Massacre, or something like it).  When Sam sees guards posted in the street he tells you to follow him “this way,” and then just stands there.  When you then say to him, “I’ll take to the rooftops,” he tells you not to.  But it is literally the only way to the destination.**  Stupidity like this is just around every corner in ACIII.

So, what went wrong?

I can tell you in three words: Red Dead Redemption.

Huh?

I read an interview or two a month or so ago with the dude who’s in charge of ACIII.  He seemed so very proud of the fact that he was filling this game with new and exciting gameplay, expanding the world to include a new “wilderness” element, where you basically show off your Native American survivalist skills.  You search for clues to track down prey, then use the best method at your disposal for catching, killing, and skinning various critters for trading purposes.  Sometimes it’s a snare, littered with bait to attract foxes, hares, raccoons, etc.  Sometimes it’s taking to the trees for an aerial kill on a deer or an elk.  Or sometimes you’re put in the prey position and have to defend yourself against a bear or a bobcat… through everyone’s favorite video game conceit- Quick Time Events.  Yes, “press “X,” then “Y” when told to kill a wolf that jumps at you.  No skill necessary!  In all honesty, though, I don’t mind it here.  Yup, it’s a total copout, but at least it breaks up the monotony a bit.  Anyway, where was I?  Right.  Hunting and Red Dead.  If you played RDR you’ll remember that hunting animals for meat and hides was a big part of the game, albeit mostly a “side mission” situation.  And right down to the annoying mini-cutscene that occurs EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU SKIN AN ANIMAL, Creed III’s inclusion of it is a complete and total ripoff of Red Dead.  “Well, hunting isn’t exclusive to some video game,” you say?  Trust me- I spent weeks playing RDR, achieving my 100%, which included these hunting challenges.  It is literally the same thing here.  There are even side missions that have you track and kill “unique” versions of some animals, JUST LIKE IN RED DEAD REDEMPTION.  All that said, the hunting bits (including the QTEs) are actually very well thought out, even if they’re the most unoriginal “original” aspect of the game.

Oh, and there’s also sit-down games where you gamble to win some cash.  This reminds me of another video game as well.  Something with “Red” in the title.  I think it has to do with redeeming something.  Something dead, maybe?  Sorry- it’s escaping me at the moment…

“OK, but this is all side mission stuff.  What about the main game?”  I’d love to get into that, but since, so far, 90% of the game has been about side missions, it’s hard to do.  Seriously, they’ve literally spent most of their energy on everything but the actual game.  There’s even naval side missions where you steer a ship and fire upon enemies while trying to keep an ally (and yourself) from sinking.  The funny thing is- these missions are quite fun and challenging.  The controls are appropriately loose, yet simple, and you get a real sense of what a good real-time naval battle video game could be.  Question is- what the holy fuck does it have to do with being an assassin?

Answer:  Nothing.  At all.  As an assassin, Connor*** is a complete failure.  Everyone in town (Boston at this point- I haven’t reached New York yet) knows who he is.  Keeping to the shadows isn’t really an option, as enemies seem to be able to see you from great distances, sometimes through walls, and even if you do manage to remain stealthy, the story drops this conceit every chance it gets.  At one point, early on, you take part in the Boston Tea Party (or something like it), and your objective is to literally get on a ship IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY and start dumping tea over the side WHILE THE WHOLE TOWN WATCHES AND CHEERS YOU ON.  Fucking DUH.

There’s so much more stupidity on display here, but I feel like I’ve already taken too much time with it, and don’t want to beat a dead horse.  I’ll try to keep it short (Spoiler Alert:  I’ll fail).  First, a head-scratchingly über-confusing menu system.  Or, actually, menu SYSTEMS- “Left Bumper,” “Right Bumper,” “Start,” and “Back” all call up their own, separate, completely non-intuitive menus.  One of these is the Assassin Apprentice system from past games, and it, like almost everything else in this game, has taken two steps back in quality.  I’d say “dumbed down” is the appropriate term, but that seems wrong, considering how confusing the menu for it is.  Same goes for “crafting.”  It was as convoluted as it needed to be in Revelations, but hey!  This is a new game that has to shake everything up, so let’s make it FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND.  As mentioned, enemy AI is appalling.  This isn’t a series known for amazing AI, but it took a significant leap forward between Creed I and Creed II (and some baby steps forward for II.2 and II.3), but in THIS game… in this game it’s almost sub-Assassin’s Creed I.  It takes a special kind of fuckup to get that done.  Same goes for traversing the city.  Once again, there was a big improvement between I and II with this, but the controls on display here are a disaster.  And what’s funny is they actually simplified it.  Less buttons to press to climb and leap, and yet getting from point A to B is a tedious, forever chore, even though the game’s version of Boston is pretty damned small.  Luckily, you can just walk through the streets.  You know, like every other NON-ASSASSIN.  Ugh.  Then there’s the purchasable weapons.  Right away you can buy, cheaply, a really good sword and dagger.  But other, more expensive, yet less effective weapons are available, too.  Why would I buy those?  Oh, right… maybe I’m a completionist that needed yet another useless shopping extravaganza thrown into the game (I’m surprised they didn’t include a kitchen sink for you to find).  Anyway, this is not surprising, as combat was obviously the last thing on Ubisoft’s mind.   Oh, and also, “Optional Objectives” often pop up onscreen at points where you literally can’t move your eyes away from the action to read them, lest you get a bayonet to the forehead (I think.  I mean, at times I never saw them at all, but I’ll give the game the benefit of the doubt, even if it doesn’t deserve it).  You only know they were there once you’ve failed them, and most of the time this is right after a checkpoint, so you have no option but to finish the mission as-is and/or start the whole fucking thing over again.  Guh.  And don’t get me started on the first 2-3 hours of the game, which was literally just walking, slowly, from point A to point B, and back again, just to watch reeeeeeeally long cutscenes.

“So, uh… Is there anything good?”

Why, yes- there is.

For one, the game looks great.  Boston feels like I imagine it would have “back in the day.”  This is not surprising, as this series has always been fantastic at creating era-specific atmosphere.  It’s its bread and butter.  I just wish they spent as much attention to detail on the story and gameplay.

Second, there are side missions that involve you traveling to distant enemy locations along the east coast of America and finding treasure, while stealthily stalking (or avoiding) enemies, just like in the Assassin’s Creed games of yore.  These are what bring me back to this series.  Well, that and the ability to change the colors of your assassin robes (Hey, I’m into customization.  Eat it).  However, I don’t think there are very many of them (so far I’ve unlocked two and only done one, as you have to earn them through a trinket collect-a-thon), and they are slightly marred by the aforementioned bad controls, awful combat, and disappearing Optional Objectives.

Thirdly… er… well that’s really it for the “good.”  I mean, I already mentioned the fun ship battles and passable hunting stuff, so… yeah.

Again, I’ll finish this thing, if for no other reason than I want to see their rendering of 18th-century NYC (and, yeah, to see if there’s any more wardrobe choices… only FOUR outfits so far?  For shame…), but I already know that going back and 100%ing the missions is a complete waste of my time.  Now, if by some miracle the game becomes exponentially awesome, I’ll be right back here, eating crow (that is, if I can drop a baited snare down, catch said crow, then watch an annoying cut scene where I say something that sounds like, “yowma” while I skin the fucking thing).

A long time ago… ’twas 2007, I believe, I downloaded a video preview of something called Assassin’s Creed a few months before it came out.  I thought it looked original and fun.  It turned out to be both, but got old, quickly as there was almost no variety in gameplay.  At the time I told people it was “a really good demo for things to come.”  I was right (in my opinion), because Assassin’s Creed II took everything positive about the first game and expanded upon it in a logical, story-based way.  Seriously, I was addicted.  It’s the first XBox game I ever completed to 100% Achievement (that, plus the HD remastering of Banjo-Kazooie are the only two I have done this with to this day****).  AC: Brotherhood and AC: Revelations continued to up the ante, not always completely successfully (tower defense, anyone?), but they at least continued the trend of taking a good story with a good protagonist and weaving it around a kick-ass game that never made me feel like I was wasting my time, be it progressing through the story, banging out side missions, sending recruits to foreign lands, or simply doing an item collect-a-thon if I had 30 minutes to spare.

With Assassin’s Creed III, in trying to expand upon an already-expanded gameplay world, Ubisoft has actually done too much and has moved too far away from what these games are about.  When assassinations are the least important thing in your game with “Assassin” in the title, you’ve lost your way.  And if you can’t even be bothered bring to the table the gameplay that worked in the last three successful iterations of your franchise*****, then you’ve lost a long-time pre-ordering customer.  I’ll just wait the extra 10 months for the inevatible Assassin’s Creed III, Part 2: Go West, Young Connor to hit the bargain bins.  I’m sure I’ll find it right next to Red Dead Redemption.  But it’ll probably be cheaper.

So…

A Disappointing Thumbs Down for a game that has no right to be so big and dumb.

*You start as Connor’s father.  Uh, spoiler alert?  Not really.  His bit ends with a nice twist, though.  Everything that comes before it, however, is mostly bad (see “A to B walking/cutscenes” somewhere above).

**And after all I did for him and his city, the prick didn’t even offer me a Latitude 48 IPA.

***Funny side note… well, incredibly stupid side note- your actual Native American name is,”Ratonhnhaké:ton,” but the old guy that “trains” you (it all happens offscreen between cutscenes.  If there was actual training, the game would have been so much better) says something along the lines of, “well, your complexion is slightly darker than most men, so we’ll have to pass you off as an Italian or a Spaniard.  Therefore, we’ll call you, ‘Connor.'”  I SHIT YOU NOT.

****My 100% on Red Dead was for main-game only, at Rockstar’s site that tracked it.  I don’t bother going for total completion when you have to do multiplayer nonsense to get it done.

*****Honestly, I don’t know how these things work, but to me it feels like they went back to their original Assassin’s Creed, uh, code (?), or engine, or whatever and added to that instead of tweaking the ACII: Revelations, uh… code (?).  Like, they wanted to start almost from scratch again, or something.  That’s how badly the gameplay and AI has fallen.  Feels more like Assassin’s Creed One And A Half  than III.