2012: The Good, The Bad, & The Sideways, Part 1

Hey there.

I saw some movies this year.  But then I didn’t write about them.  Except for a few.  So, I figured I’d do some end of the year mini-review thing.  

So, without further ado, here’s part 1 (of… 3?  Probably 3, maybe 4.  Depends on how long-winded I get).  The movies are in the order I saw them (as far as memory serves).  Italicized means I saw it at home.

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Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie: If you’re not already a fan of Tim & Eric, Awesome Show, Great Job!, I think you’ll hate this movie.  I am already a fan, so I dug it.  Kinda.  It doesn’t try to be an offshoot of T&TASGJ! at all, which is refreshing, but after watching five seasons of hyper-kinetic, in-your-face, subversive ADD lunacy, it took a bit for me to settle in to something slightly (slightly) more straight-forward.  Don’t get me wrong- Tim and Eric are still brilliant wackos doing uncomfortably funny things, and that, along with guest appearances by Robert Loggia, William Atherton, Ray Wise, Zach Galifiniakilackawanna, Will Forte, Will Ferrel, John C. Reilly, and Jeff Goldblum is the movie’s charm.  Or detriment, if you’re not down with those guys.

I liked it just fine, but after seeing it twice (first in its “On Demand” premier, then again when it got a theatrical release), I’m much more likely to revisit Awesome Show over and over than Billion Dollar Movie ever again.

Kudos to my boy Ray Wise for ‘bringing the creepy,’ but I gotta give it a thumbs sideways, because I so wanted to like it more.

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John Carter of Mars: “…it’s as if all the separate talent that went in to making [this movie] never got together to decide what meshed and what didn’t. They just all brought their dishes to the table and served the meal, even though white wine doesn’t go well with marinara…

…I don’t want to leave you thinking John Carter of Mars is a waste of your time. It isn’t. It’s a post-production mess, but you can still see it has heart. And everything it gets right, it really gets right. Which is why the stuff it gets wrong is so damned frustrating…”

Thumbs sideways.  Full review HERE.

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Wrath Of The Titans: “…not great by any stretch, to be sure. While it does take off running, it neither sprints nor runs a marathon. It jogs. At a healthy, yet moderate pace. Like a guy trying to get in shape. Director Jonathan Liebesman does a fine job of keeping things moving, but these “things” aren’t necessarily the most interesting you’ve seen. And when the movie shifts from traveling sequences to action set-pieces, there’s really not any difference in tone…”

Thumbs sideways.  Full review HERE.

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The Cabin In The Woods: Brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant.  Yes, it’s a fantastic deconstruction of Horror films (by two of the most qualified dudes out there- Joss Whedon & Drew Goddard), but to leave it at that is to undercut to its brilliance.  It pays homage to the genre without ever specifically referencing any movies by name, nor does it ever wink-wink, nudge-nudge we, the viewers.  Basically, it ain’t Scream.  It deliciously comments on every aspect of the decline of traditional horror movies over the last 30 years, be it repeated and overused stories and settings, movie studio indifference, general audiences, stock characters, middle-movie-management meddling… and yet never quite condemns any of it.  If you’re watching a scene and you think to yourself, “I’ve seen this before,” you’re right- you have.  Many times.  How you feel about that determines whether you’re getting the point or missing it… and how much of an “old god” you are (you’ll just have to see Cabin to know what I mean by that).

And then the third act happens and you have no choice but to let this thing grab you by the brain and gleefully fling you around for 30 minutes.  Don’t worry, it’ll blow your mind in the coolest way possible.

Thumbs way the hell up.  This is my favorite movie of 2012.

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The Avengers: More Joss Whedon goodness!  The most fun comic book movie of them all.  I had little doubt that J-Dubs could pull it off, but it exceeded my expectations by a landslide.  Yeah, the opening is a little awkward (not quite as much on subsequent viewings), and Hawkeye’s storyline is a little half-baked, but these, and any other doubts you may have about this flick, are blown out of the water by the final act (much like Cabin In The Woods.  Written and produced by Joss Whedon.  Huh.), especially because of this version of The Hulk.  Instead of trying to draw identifiable sympathy out of we, the viewers, for Bruce Banner’s “issues,” Whedon taps into how FUN it could be to let our inner frustrations out on some big baddies. He’s like a bratty 5-year-old with insane strength and a penchant for breaking his toys.  With glee.  Such a joy to watch.  Oh, and of course, Cap, Iron Man, and Thor do their thing just as well, thanks to their perfect casting and strong setups in their own movies.  And it’s all so goddamned POSITIVE, which is a nice flip side to this summer’s other big-assed comic book blockbuster.  And speaking of asses, Scarlett Johannsen.

Hulk SMASH with thumb up!

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Prometheus:  I saw this movie in theaters over the summer.  When I decided I was gonna do a year-end short-review collection-type thing, I wrote the following blurb about it 3 months later:

“Yeah, people got pretty angry with this one.  I get it.  It promised to be a totally scary, mind-blowing journey into the origins of the human race, and, as an offshoot, the origins of the alien from Alien.  But, in the end, it ended up being a pretty basic sci-fi horror flick with some big ideas about evolution and really gorgeous visuals.  But bad?  No way.  I think the reaction here was not unlike (and probably influenced by) the Star Wars prequel reactions.  A return to a cinematic world by the original artist two decades later is going to cause an uproar when it doesn’t conform to the notions people had in their heads during said decades.  Of course, there’s a big difference between The Phantom Menace and Prometheus (mainly that the former sucks and the latter doesn’t), but we film geeks have become overly cautious and cynical when it comes to stuff like this because Lucas drove the Star Wars bus off a cliff, thrice (and then whored out its bloated corpse to the top 50 bidders…).  That, combined with the unfortunate, ‘everything either completely sucks or totally rocks’ mentality our culture has wholeheartedly embraced in the new millennium pretty much sealed Prometheus‘ fate amongst we, the general nerd populace, before anyone saw frame one.

But, again- basic sci-fi horror with some big ideas about evolution and really gorgeous visuals.  Worked for me.  Oh, except for Guy Pierce as ‘Dude In Really Awful Old Man Makeup.’  That kinda did suck.”

Then I saw Prometheus again on DVD.  And I can say, with absolute certainty, that the aforementioned “people,” “film geeks,” and “nerd populace,” were absolutely right.  This movie may be nice to look at, but it is AGGRESSIVELY, PROFOUNDLY STUPID, and I’m absolutely done with it.

Thumbs down for dumb.

P.S. The original, leaked screenplay is online.  Read it.  There’s a clickable link to it in THIS ARTICLE at badassdigest.com (and, yes, I could have just linked you directly to the thing, but “credit where credit is due,” and all that…).  Not perfect, but it’s absolutely the film that should have been made.

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Snow White And The Huntsman:  There were some attempts at interesting special effects, and Chris Hemsworth was pretty good as “My Hair Is Always Dripping-Wet” Guy, but this one was mostly forgettable.  Seriously- the only thing I can remember with any clarity is Hemsworth showing up to the big coronation… wedding… award ceremony(?)…whatever (SEE?!?)… finale still looking like he had just swam the 400-meter, or something.  Oh, wait… Charlize Theron took a bath in, like, milk at one point.  Oh, and there were seven regular-sized actors’ heads hilariously placed on “dwarf” bodies.  And that chick from Twilight bit her lip and pouted.  That happened, too.

Thumbs down for yawn.

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Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance:  I realized about 15 minutes in that this was just a wacky special-effects comedy.  Sort of like Jim Carrey’s The Mask.  So I just went with it.  Made it enjoyable.  Even if that wasn’t really the plan.  I mean, it’s not a good movie by any stretch, but watching Nic Cage dig his career deeper and deeper into the ground is usually a pretty entertaining endeavor.  Turns out watching Idris Elba watch Nic Cage dig his career deeper and deeper into the ground is, too.

Thumbs sideways for Cage wackiness.

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The Woman In Black: Spoooooooooky.  I watched this at my buddy Nate’s house, with lights on, in his living room, with his family present, and still actually hid my eyes a couple of times.

Yes, I’m a total pussy.

But, yeah, an honest-to-god scary movie.  I know, right?  Where’s the over-the-top gore effects and Michael Myers clone with a chainsaw or a meat hook, or documentary-style possessed girl bending backwards and walking on the ceiling, or whatever?  Not in THIS movie.  THIS movie is actually frightening.  And they create the scary tension naturally by placing Danny Radcliffe in a cold, dark, shadowy house… and doing the bare minimum, visually and audibly.  Sure, there’s fleeting, out-of-focus images of someone at the end of the hallway through the open door that only we see, and the occasional “branch touching the window”-style sound effects to keep us uncomfortable, but if you’re looking for that stuff to build to a bloody, party-favor-through-the-eye-socket payoff every 10 minutes, you’re gonna be disappointed.  This ain’t I Know What You Did Last Summer.  This movie actually has a story.  A believable story that unravels slowly, deliberately, as our protagonist delves deeper into the mystery of why things are rotten in the state of small town Edwardian England.

And it should be noted that the main character isn’t Arthur Kipps (Radcliffe), or Samuel Daily (Ciarán Hinds), or even The Woman In Black (Liz White).  The main character is the creepy Eel Marsh House (and its immediate surrounding area) where Kipps spends the bulk of the film.  And, like The Overlook Hotel in The Shining (or the Marsten House from ‘Salem’s Lot (the awesome book, not the bad movie)), giving the house its own personality is what makes the film truly scary.

Not gonna lie- I just freaked myself out a little typing this mini-review.

An ominously creepy thumbs up for an actual hair-raising experience.

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Brave:   Not much to say, really.  It’s Pixar, and Brave was this year’s obligatory summer release.  And while, like the past 3 or 4 of their movies, it didn’t stand out as an instant Pixar classic, it was still great.  I’ll see it again at some point and figure out what’s to be mined from it.  Something along the lines of, “be yourself, but respect your mother,” or something.

An obligatory thumbs up, because, Pixar.  If that feels like a total cop-out on my part, it is.

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter:  There’s nothing to be mined from this one.  If you haven’t seen it, and there’s a small part of you that’s thinking, “well, the concept is wacky enough that this thing might just work,” then let me be the first to tell you to abandon ye all hope, or whatever.  Somewhere between Honest Abe dueling a bloodsucker on the backs of stampeding horses and the race to give silver bullets to Union soldiers to defeat the Confederate Vampire Army at Gettysburg, my eyes started to drift in opposite directions and my sanity threatened to take a hike.  But then all that ended in a fiery train-bridge wreck, a few years went by, and an impatient Mary Todd Lincoln called out to her husband, “come on, Abe, we’ll be late for the theater!”  I, quite literally, GUFFAWed myself back to reality.

If I had known going in that I was seeing a bad comedy… uh… nope.  Nope.  Still wouldn’t have dug it.

Thumbs down for whatever this thing was.

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The Dark Knight Rises (or, “This Summer’s Other Big-Assed Comic Book Blockbuster“): No, it ain’t The Dark Knight.   Yes, the plot, characters, and continuity can be picked apart.  But seriously, why would you want to do that?  No matter how “realistic” this trilogy purports to be, it’s still, at its core, about a millionaire with daddy issues that decides to train as a ninja, dress up as a human bat, and jump off of tall buildings to fight crime.  Just let it GO, man.  It ain’t a “Check Your Brain At The Door” movie, but it’s not supposed to be Citizen Kane, either.  It’s broad-stroke emotional cinema sprinkled with diet intellectualism.  I find it best to not fall into one of the extremist camps about this flick- those (rightfully) dubbed the “bat-jihadists” who think it’s the third coming of bat-Christ,* and those who angrily ramble on about its inconsistencies and questionable moments as if they’re the cinematic equivalent of a hate crime.**

Oh, also, I dug it.  Mostly because Christopher Nolan kept it real, but finally allowed some comic book silliness into the proceedings.  But, thankfully, not in a Schumacher way (although… a literal ticking bomb with a digital clock readout does skirt the line…).  Also, Nolan seemingly ends his tenure with The Bat in such a way that the Brothers Warner can either continue to play in this world with someone else helming, or just reboot it again.***

Thumbsh uuup, Mishtah Wayne.  Even though Nolan should have just gone with his original story (and cast JGL as The Joker.  Dude was still great as “cop-guy,” though, and had the best storyline in the flick).

*I mean, death threats to negative reviewers before the general public even saw the thing?  WTF, guys?

**It’s OK to kind of like or dislike a movie, you know.

***They’ll probably go with the latter, but I’d prefer the former.  It’s daring, original, and I dig JGL.  Also, the last thing we need is another fucking origin story about this guy.

TO BE CONTINUED…

(right HERE, actually…)

Prelude To A Ring, Part 1

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: Huzzah!!!  Peter Jackson has done it again.  Perfect?  No.  The first hour or so of the movie has some serious pacing issues and feels a bit bloated, but once things finally take off running, it’s a total blast that makes you wish you could leap forward to next December and just move on with the story, already.  I can’t wait to see it again.

Should mention:  this movie is available in, like, 28 formats.  There’s 2D, 3D, IMAX, HFR (High Frame Rate), Digital Projection, and any number of sound choices, depending on where you live.  And then any combination of these things (like, 3D IMAX HFR Dolby Digital).  I chose to see it for the first time in only two D’s and the normal number of FR’s, because I didn’t want the distractions of glasses-over-my-glasses and this new hyper-real frame rate thing influencing my return to Middle Jackson Earth (which is, I hope, the reason my buddy Joe hated the movie.  Dude- see it again.  Sans glasses and the high rate of frames).  It was digitally projected, and the sound was nothing short of awesome, but those things certainly aren’t distractions.  Also, I WILL be seeing it in 3D HFR now, out of curiosity.

OK.  So.  The first hour (or so):

What happens, basically, is the movie starts… then kinda lays there, like it hit the snooze button, or something.  Bilbo begins his voiceover as he sits down to write his memoirs for Frodo to read, basically says, “and so, we begin…,” and then he doesn’t because PJax felt the need to actually include Frodo in the movie.  So, we’re treated to an unnecessary scene where old Bilbo and young Frodo discuss the upcoming party from The Fellowship Of The Ring.  It’s awkward, a little too wink-wink, and it kills the momentum, five minutes in.  But soon then we head back to the actual story, and things start to pick up again- Gandalf stealthily marks young Bilbo’s door with a rune and dwarves start showing up, unannounced, eating all the food and making a general mess of things.  And… the movie sort of gets stuck there for a bit.  Seriously, I think we stay in Bilbo’s house for, like, 25 minutes.  I mean, what we’re seeing is kinda fun- dwarves eating, belching, chucking plates around, having a grand old time… but it’s all just SO MUCH.  Nearly half of what we’re seeing here, as well as the Frodo scene, could have had a nice home in the Extended Editions Jackson will be releasing on Blu Ray (confirmed.  But what in the hell else could an EE have?).  Finally, the quest begins and we’ve taken off running… and then we cut to a second storyline about a “necromancer” gaining power, threatening to become a serious issue in the future (WINK WINK…).  Sigh.  Look, I get it.  These are essentially prequels to Lord Of The Rings.  But those movies did a fine job explaining themselves all on their own.  The Hobbit has it’s own nice, juicy story, and adding in these elements to tie it in to what we’ve seen is not only unnecessary, it’s almost Lucas-level OCD.  And, hey, I LIKED all of the scenes with Radagast The Brown healing his woodland friends, fighting the ghost, and his escape on his rabbit-led sleigh.  They’re cool and visually interesting.  But, again, this movie’s about Bilbo Baggins and his quest with the dwarves.  Stuff like the fun bit with the three trolls gets sort of overshadowed by this secondary story following right on its heels.  That  stuff should have been Extended Edition material.

Of course, there are two more movies coming out, so maybe it will all make sense in the end.  Or, maybe the pacing issues can be fixed with whatever else is getting added in the EE Blu. Whatever.*

OK.  That’s that.  Moving on…

Things pick up pretty well once the group hits Rivendell.  Yes, there’s a little awkwardness concerning a meeting between Gandalf, Saruman, Elrond, and Galadriel concerning Sauron, but since the story is already on a tonal lunch break, it’s not too intrusive.  Then they leave Rivendell and the movie hits its stride.  And what a stride it hits.  Goblins, orcs, Gollum, wargs, eagles, stone giants, internal conflict, swordfights, magic, a giant dude with a big, warty nutsack for a chin… this movie’s got it ALL.  It’s funny- 30 minutes into The Hobbit and I was thinking, “this movie is too long.”  Two hours and forty five minutes in, when the credits started, I thought, “that was too short.”  Must’ve been Opposites Day, or something.

Let’s talk dwarves.  I mean, there’s thirteen of them, so, we sort of have to.  A common complaint seems to be that we don’t get enough personality out of each of them, and I understand that… except there are two more 3 hour movies coming out, which makes me think we’ll get some more character specific moments as time goes on.  The dwarves that mostly got the front-and-center treatment in this film were Thorin (the leader, so, of course), Balin (his sort of “right hand man”), Kili (hot young dwarf), and, my personal fave, Bofur (Irish dwarf).  He’s got this great little moment in the caves where Bilbo, basically freaked out and tired, decides to try and slip away and go home.  When Bofur stops him on the way out, Bilbo gets a little short with him (uh… no pun intended), calling him out on the fact that he has no idea what it’s like to have a home to get back to.  Bofur is obviously hurt by this, but quickly regains his composure and lets Mr. Baggins go, with his blessing.  It’s a great little interpersonal character moment for the two of them, which I’m not really doing justice here, but James Nesbitt and Martin Freeman certainly do.  Do it justice, I mean (Jeezus, you’d think I’d’ve learned proper English by now, right?).

Ori (blank faced dwarf), Fili (other hot(ish) young dwarf), and Dwalin (tattoed-head dwarf) have some moments, but not on par with the other guys.  Bombur, the fat dwarf, gets a bit of physical comedy, but I don’t think he ever actually speaks.  Nori, Dori, Oin, Gloin, and Bifur are glorified extras here.  But that’s OK- If PJax took the time to “get to know” every single one of these guys right off the bat, the first hour of AUJ  would have been even more awkward than it was.  I’ll be fine with a slow burn when it comes to character building, if in fact that’s in store.  If it isn’t… well, I’ll be OK with that, too, I guess.  I mean, there’s thirteen of them.  Do I really give a toss about Beardy McShorty #11’s character arc?  If I meet a group of thirteen humans in life, I can’t be expected to have in-depth conversations with ALL of them, right?  There’s going to be four or five that stand out.  The rest I’ll talk to later.

Oh, yeah- Gollum.  The “Riddles In The Dark” sequence between Bilbo and the once and future Sméagol is, as you can imagine, pretty great.  As is the CGI.  I didn’t think they could make that little guy any more realistic than they already had, but godDAMN was I wrong.  It’s the little things they’ve tweaked that really get it done.  Facial twitches, coloring around the eyes, and, of course, Andy Serkis’ performance to keep it all anchored in reality.  So great.  The attention to detail is astonishing.  I found myself transfixed by peach-fuzz hairs on Gollum’s ears.  That’s how specific they got with him.

And yet… he still wasn’t my favorite CGI creation.  That honor goes to Azog the white orc, also the focus of my favorite subplot.  Azog leads the orcs that are stalking Thorin’s company, having been defeated (and mutilated) by the dwarf in battle years prior.  Bone white, scarred, beady eyed… he’s an appropriately uncomfortable presence, lurking just beyond our sight, ready to strike when the time is right.  And he does… just as the movie’s coming to a close.  BAH!!!  But the flashback to the battle where Thorin defeats him is one added element that completely kicks ass.  Mostly because it’s much more relevant to the current goings-on than that whole necromancer business.

Tonally, this movie is mostly less serious than the LOTR flicks.  That’s not to say the thing is a happy-go-lucky sugarfest, but it definitely has a lightness to it, which is refreshing, as the big, bad world problems going on in Fellowship, et al, have yet to completely rear their ugly heads.  And sure, the story of the loss of Erebor to the dragon and Thorin’s first encounter with Azog aren’t exactly fairy tales, but they still come across more as character backstory than grand, sweeping, epic darkness.  They give us a personal connection to Thorin, making us really want to see him and his boys succeed in this quest (even though he’s a TOTAL DICK to Bilbo for 95% of the flick).  And, since I just mentioned him, Smaug the dragon is… not in this movie.  Yes, you see the destruction he wreaks at the beginning, but Jackson (smartly) keeps him mostly unseen- a flash of claw here, a nostril there, finally a Jurassic Park-style eye-opening.  Basically the same thing they did with Gollum in Fellowship– a tease of things to come.  Also, the Mirkwood spiders get the same treatment in the Radagast sequences- some spider legs break through the roof of his hut, but we don’t see any more than that.  And I’m down with that choice.

Not sure what else to say here.  The last hour and a half of the movie is such a whirlwind of awesome that I’m finding it hard to pinpoint anything else.  Probably best to just leave it at that:  whirlwind of awesome.  I hate to sound clichéd, but Peter Jackson has done it again.  I can’t wait to see it again, and I really can’t wait to see what comes next…

…and speaking of that, what WILL come next?  It’s been literally decades since I’ve read The Hobbit, but a cursory glance of the chapter list makes at least one thing clear- there will be spiders in the next flick.  Probably sooner than later, although that actually depends on how much more added stuff gets thrown in (and if you can’t tell, I’m much more for a small paragraph in the book being expanded, à la the stone giant sequence, than stuff from other sources getting uncomfortably shoehorned in… but whatever), but will we see Smaug?  I expect so.  I don’t think we’ll be done with him in part 2, but he’ll be there (again, just like Gollum in TTT & ROTK).  That’ll leave the end of Smaug’s story and the big battle for the third movie, which sounds about right to me…

…aaaaaand that’s just about enough nerdiness for one day.  So.  Go see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  In whatever format you want (I’ll be seeing it again in 3D HFR, pronto, and if I feel significantly positive or negative about it, I’ll be back).  It’s really a blast.

A Hairy-Footed Thumbs UP (huh?) for a movie that has some problems with the starter, but once they pop the clutch it cruises along like a convertible Jag.

*In case I’m not doing such a good job of explaining this- the added stuff is mostly great.  Really.  It’s how it affects both the pacing and the importance of the main story that I take issue with.  And, ultimately, it doesn’t matter because the movie is awesome.