Mmmm… Manburger…

Posted: October 28, 2022 | Author: | Filed under: Brian A. Costello, Movie, Review | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Halloween (2018)

Halloween Kills (2021)

Halloween Ends (2022): I never go into a movie wanting it to fail.  What would be the point of that?  I mean, besides the obvious- if you go in with an agenda it makes it easier to come up with funny quips about the thing as you watch it, so that you can sit down and be oh-so-clever when you write your 10¢ review on your blog that nobody reads.  But I like to believe that I’ve (mostly) left that kind of thing behind, because it’s fucking lazy.  I leave that shit to the bitter, frustrated failed actors who review live theater.

Er… yeah, not the time or place for that, Bri.  OK, you’re right- thanks, Bri.

So, where was I?

Halloween Ends.  So, yeah… OK.  To recap, I thought Halloween 2018 was a flawed, yet passable, um, “sequel” (I use the term loosely) to the 1978 film.  Halloween Kills was a fucking mess that tried to mine veins from Halloween 1978 that simply didn’t have any precious metals to give, as an attempt to add gravitas to a movie that is essentially a Terminator fan film, except Michael Myers.

And so… Halloween Ends. Boy did I mostly dislike this thing as it unfolded before me.  Lots of head shaking, lots of out-loud “oh my god”s, lots of sighs.  But then I spent some time thinking about it and came around… a little.  See, there’s a really good movie with some killer concepts (no pun intended) in there somewhere.  Too bad it got hobbled by bad decisions.

So, Corey Cunningham is a young dude with a bright future ahead of him.  But on a babysitting job the night Michael Myers goes all Jason Voorhees on an entire town, a kid dies on his watch, accidentally, and as a result, a new, interesting protagonist is born.  Or should have been.  Because by the end of the movie none of this matters.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

You see, this town has gone bad.  Michael Myers cut a swath through it four years ago and then up and disappeared, and now everyone who rampaged around looking for him have nowhere to point their fear and anger, so why not just hate on the guy who didn’t actually kill that awful little brat from the opening scene?  OK, I’m in- that’s starting to take the lump of uninteresting clay that was Halloween Kills and shape it into something worthwhile.  So what’s next?  Oh… OK, Laurie Strode is still here… and we saw how she spent 40 years becoming a badass Michael Myers killer… although that clearly didn’t go 100% her way after Halloween 2018, so, even though it’s not the most interesting idea, I guess we’ll get Round Two of that?  What?   She’s done with all that and is now just living her life, carefree?  Um… OK?  Buuuuut… why HERE?  This town hates her.  The sister of the woman who got a fluorescent bulb through the throat last time around sure did let her know that (and, once again, we get a step towards social commentary with a “you provoked that man” victim-blaming thing… which then gets abandoned.  COME ON, YOU GUYS, YOU WERE SO CLOSE.  Sorry), so why wouldn’t you move somewhere else?  Because, also, that dude who has wanted to kill you for 40 years is still out there.  If you have no interest in that anymore, what are your actual ties to this town?  Your granddaughter, I guess?  OK, sure.  And now she’s dating that guy who didn’t kill that kid… oh.  Getting ahead of myself again.

Corey Cunningham gets thrown off a bridge by a mean little high school jerk.  But he’s OK- nothing broken.  And hey, there’s a sewer drain down here.  Wonder what’s in there?  Oh.  Michael Myers is in there.  Living off of rats and stuff for four years, one presumes.  But you should probably stay away from him because he’s dangero…. oh, OK, I guess you should go in there and have an awkward slap-fight wrestling match with him.  Then maybe gaze into his eyes a bit.  And… merge souls?   Something like that?  

So now we have a budding young murder machine to take on the mantle of the Shape.  And hey, for continuity’s sake, he’s a mechanic, so he already has the outfit (convenient!).  He’s feeling good about himself, trading in his bike for a motorcycle, hanging with his new pal Michael, dating Laurie’s granddaughter, murdering some local assholes…

It’s at this point where I say to myself, “Self?  It’s ill-paced and awkwardly presented, but I think I’m starting to see a compelling, original direction for this thing and I think I’m invested.”

But then Michael Myers shows back up at the Strode house, Corey Cunningham stabs himself in the throat and dies, Laurie throws a refrigerator at Michael, kills him, and the whole town shows up to watch him get ground up like a manburger in a metal-crushing machine.  The end.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Why did you do all that new stuff if you were just going to go back to the well?  And in such an uninteresting manner?  You truly had something there with Corey Cunningham.  Sure, you wanted to end your trilogy, but could you not have left it open-ended?  You did the one thing you set out to do- Michael Myers is dead and gone, Finally, with a capital F.  Why not at least leave us with a new boogeyman, out there in the shadows somewhere?  These movies claim to be the true successors to the original film, and yet they miss that simple goddamn point at every turn.

I could get more specific here.  I could go over things throughout the movie that bugged me in greater detail (oh, hey, there’s Will Patton… oh, ok, bye, Will Patton).  I could also go on some more about the things that were really good (oooh, a new creepy mask for a new creepy murderer!).  But I won’t.  I can’t.  It’s a waste of my time and yours.  The last 15 minutes of this thing render its existence moot.  They render the entire misguided trilogy moot.  The experiment has failed.  Time to move on.

Anyway, that’s my 10¢ review.  But I just want to say that I don’t think David Gordon Green is an untalented guy- I see the artist amongst the questionable decisions here.  Truly.  Hopefully his next endeavor is something original so he can focus his talents on something he…oh.  He’s reboot-sequelling The Exorcist. 

Never mind.