I, Stankenstein.

Posted: April 28, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Brian A. Costello | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I watched I, Frankenstein today.  Here are some (time-coded) thoughts.  Enjoy!

5:54- Wow.  This is going to suck.

10:48- Holy exposition, Batman!

14:24- Oh.  It’s a Blade II remake.

17:00- That lab rat scene is hilarious.  I mean, it’s literally an elaborate special effects sequence built around a suspended lab rat.

18:08- Oh.  It’s an Underworld remake.

26:30- Does Angry McGargoyle have to take time to assemble his weapon every time he wants to use it?  #counterintuative

30:44- Oh.  It’s a Nightbreed remake.

44:15- Is this a movie about Aaron Eckhart jumping through glass in slow motion?

58:19- Is this movie over yet?

1:00:51- How come the modern-day forces of evil always have snazzy suits and technology while the modern-day forces of good are always one goblet of mead away from a trip to the Renn Faire?

1:09:39- Wait, wait… Did I just see a custom-made digital “Reanimation Percentage” display on the chest of each and every demon army corpse?  Oh man.  “Act III: The Ticking Clock,” indeed.  What is this, The Dark Knight Rises?

1:13:15- Raiders Of The Lost Ark streets-of-Cairo swordfightus interruptus rip-off…

1:14:16- This movie is so lazy it doesn’t even bother trying to make the CG gargoyles look anything like their human versions.  Or, you know, real.

1:15:00- How come nobody in these movies ever just pulls the plug when they can’t guess the computer kill switch password?

1:17:45- Wait, if they’ve been fighting this war “in the shadows” for centuries, why do the gargoyles even bother reverting to human form…

…in their secret Medieval castle…

…in the middle of 21st-century Paris…

1:18:20- Wait, if Not-Naomi-Watts scientist lady didn’t know they were going to reanimate an army of corpses, why does her computer have an “Initiate Body Release” function built in?

1:19:20- Wait, why does Bill Nighy get a super-soul-explosion when he dies?

1:19:35- Oh. So it can destroy the whole corpse army upon his death, thus putting an end to that ridiculous MacGuffin.  And the movie.

1:21:05- Epic “Triumphant Gargoyles By The Light Of Parisian Dawn™” image?  Check.

(You know, for creatures that only fight “in the shadows,” gargoyles sure are fond of flying around in plain sight…)

1:32:38- Wow.  That sucked.

                                          -I, Costello

cheese