The LaGuardia Experience

Posted: May 22, 2017 | Author: | Filed under: Brian A. Costello, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Welcome to New York’s fabled LaGuardia International Airport, currently under construction.  Just landed?  Nice.  Got your luggage?  Good.  Here’s how the next two hours of your life will go:

You get out of the baggage claim area and there’s a line the entire length of the terminal to get a yellow cab.  So, when you hear an underpaid airport employee say, “for car pickups (Uber, Lyft, etc), get on one of the green buses- it will take you to the pickup area,” you figure they’ve got this thing down, so you do it.  Spoiler alert: you figured wrong.  You cross the street for this green bus and there’s no rhyme or reason to getting on.  As one pulls away, another pulls up to a different spot, effectively negating your place in line (I use that word loosely- it’s really more of an amorphous “group” than a “line”).  Once you’re lucky enough to get on a green bus, the rack for luggage fills up too quickly, so you have to navigate your bags over and under everyone to a space as far back as you can get.  Anyone getting on as it approaches capacity gets yelled at by a different underpaid airport employee for not moving back far enough because he can’t see all the luggage that’s on the floor, blocking access.  Arguments ensue, adding several minutes to the process.  Then the doors close, and the underpaid driver literally says, “if you think the taxi line was bad, just wait until you get to the pick-up area.”  Great.  So, they start driving you away from the terminal, and just as you say to yourself, “wow, I’m glad I’m not stuck in that traffic I see going the other way,” the bus u-turns into the traffic going the other way.  Turns out this traffic is the Uber/etc. traffic.  On your left, in the middle of the street, is what is best described as a refugee camp- white tent canopies with hundreds of people under them, each marked with a letter, in alphabetical order, “A” at the front.  The idea is you’re supposed to call/text/app your driver and tell them which letter you’re near.  The bus reaches the front, the doors open, everyone tries to squeeze out at the same time with all their luggage, and before your feet hit the ground you’re being yelled at by another underpaid airport employee because you’re blocking traffic and you’re supposed to go as far back in the lettered canopy area as possible to keep the crowds even.  Unless you have a baby or small child, in which case you stay at the front.  This is apparently a confusing concept because only about 1/8 of the people up front have children with them.  Anyway, then you start weaving through people to get to the back of the lettered canopy line, which does thin out about 1/2 way through… but then you start hearing a repeated chorus of “that’s the third Uber driver who has cancelled on me,” and “my Lyft driver just left with someone else in his car,” and “no, J.  I’m standing by letter J.  What?  You can’t see the letters?  OK, I’m the one waving.”

That’s when your already furrowed brow develops a new crevasse, a few more weak hairs on the ever-expanding smooth spot on the crown of your head jump ship, and anger, confusion, and exasperation threaten to overshadow the memories of that awesome vacation you were just on.  Or maybe that’s just me.  In that case, what you do, if you are, in fact, me, is you say, “fuck this,” and you walk across the bridge at 94th Street, over the GCP, and grab a car a few blocks up.

Because life is too goddamn short to be part of this fucking nonsense.  Also, walking’s good for you.

2010 Movies II

Posted: February 1, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a comment
2010 Movies II: 
The King’s Addendum
or,
The Wrath Of portMhan
or maybe,
I STILL Know What You Did Last Exor… cis…
oh, forget it.
.
.
Refresher
(I tried to condense all these into space-saving columns, but this blogspot thing won’t let me (Edit, 5/16/11: WordPress neither… I think…), and I won’t learn HTML because I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of scary voodoo magic.)
.
.
The Ratings System:
10 – Classic
9 – Awesome
8 – “I’d buy that for a dollar!”
7 – Great
6 – Good
5 – Average
4 – Not So Much
3 – “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try”
2 – Crap
1 – Twilight

The Movies, Rated, And In The Order I Dug Them:
(added movies in bold)
Black Swan – 10
Inception – 9
Toy Story 3 – 9
The Social Network – 8
Iron Man 2 – 8
Harry Potter 7.1 – 8
True Grit – 8
The American – 8
The King’s Speech – 8
Kick-Ass – 8
Shrek Forever After – 8
The Fighter – 7
Robin Hood – 7
The Town – 7
How To Train Your Dragon – 7
Jackass 3-D – 7
Hot Tub Time Machine – 7
The Wolfman – 7
Legend Of The Guardians – 7
Frozen – 7
Predators – 7
The Book Of Eli – 7
The Crazies – 7
Alice In Wonderland – 7
The A-Team – 7
Unstoppable – 7
Shutter Island – 7
Repo Men – 7
Despicable Me – 6
Clash Of The Titans – 6
Survival Of The Dead – 6
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World – 6
Tron: Legacy – 6
The Losers – 6
The Last Exorcism – 6
Red – 6
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – 6
The Spirit – 5
Skyline – 5
Machete – 5
The Expendables – 5
Jonah Hex – 5
Devil – 5
Splice – 4
Prince Of Persia – The Sands Of Time – 3
Legion – 3
A Nightmare On Elm Street – 2
Salt – 2
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) – ?*
.

-Would You Like To Know More?-

I saw some more 2010 releases.  I realized that keeping a list of movies released last year that I saw before January 1, 2011 is somewhat limiting, especially since there’s usually some great ones that come out in the final weeks of the year and it’s tough to see them all “on time.”  Also, Netflix doesn’t get a lot of DVDs until a full month after their actual release (the only video store near me is Schlockbuster, and I try very, very hard not to give those jackwads my business), so if I was waiting to see something at home that was coming out for the holiday season, I had to wait a little longer.  And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it snowed a little this January.  I needed something to do while indoors or else I’d end up limping around a hedge-maze with an axe.  Or a roque mallot, if you’re a purist.  Anyway, I decided the real cutoff for 2010 should be January 31, 2011.  Savvy?
As you can see above, I added them to the list where they fall in the order I enjoyed them.  Duh.
If you’re interested in the non-bold movies above, see my last post, “2010 Movies That I Saw In 2010.” (Click Here!)  Some people actually got through the whole thing!  Brave souls.  Or bored souls, more like.  Brave, bored souls.So…


Salt: Made me wish I was a slug.
Devil: Was there ever any doubt it was the old woman?  OOPS!  Spoiler Alert!  Seriously, I just saved you 80 minutes.  Also, M. Night Shyamalanturing wrote & produced this.  Hey!  I just saved you 80 minutes again!
Machete (or, Once Upon A Time In South Texas): A needlessly convoluted mess.  It was so much cooler when it was just a fake Grindhouse trailer.  No one in it got the memo that they were supposed to be having fun.  Except Don Johnson- he was kinda great, but woefully underused.  He’s ready for a career revival, but this was NOT the movie for it.  Hey, Tarantino!  I found your next fixer-upper!
Oh, and, um… I feel compelled to append what I said before about Rodriguez: “He ain’t the best out there, but he seems to know what we want and can deliver it with style.  Sometimes.”
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: McMovie’s®: Over 80 Billion Served!

Red: Cute action flicks aren’t really my thing.  They’re like pop music.  Pop Film.  Has anyone coined that?  If not, I’m claiming it.  Anyway, if I was 20 years older I might have had some more fun with it.  Reminds me of the time my grandfather asked me if I’d seen Grumpy Old Men (I hadn’t, haven’t).  He really loved it.  I’m sure Grumpy Old Men isn’t bad, but I really don’t care.  Or, won’t care until I’m in my 70’s.  Doesn’t make it a bad flick, just really not my thing.  Same with Red.  Really not bad…  in fact, it was quite good… but very, very safe and very, very aimed at the retiree crowd, as it was the opposite of the “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit” / ”two weeks to retirement…” aesthetic.  60 is the new 40!
I totally dig Mary-Louise Parker, though.  I mean that sexually.
The Last Exorcism:  Filmmakers that tackle any religious subject through horror simply refuse (or are told not to) make them scary enough.  It’s like they’re afraid of getting sued for a patron having a heart attack in the theater, or something (isn’t there an urban legend about that happening when they screened The Exorcist back in the 70’s?  Has there been a movie as scary as that since then?).  The Last Exorcism did get very freaky at times, there was some creepy imagery, and the acting was actually really great.  When all is said and done, though, it’s a movie that builds up an impressive amount of dread that makes you think you’re going to lose your mind with fear… at any moment… here it comes… awww, snap- she’s all contorted… OK, maybe next scene… you’ve come this far, don’t give up now… huh?  The credits are rolling?  FUCK. THAT. SHIT. The ending was a bit of a surprise, but I’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby.  And The Blair Witch Project.  AND THE FUCKING EXORCIST, YOU PUSSIES.
Despicable Me: Pixar makes animated movies for adults that children can thoroughly enjoy.  Despicable Me is an animated movie for children that adults can enjoy… but certainly not as much as a Pixar movie.  It was good.  The minions were really funny… but still not as funny as the Raving Rabbids from the series of Wii games that they blatantly ripped off (nerd!).  Still, it had heart, and some style.  NEXT!
Repo Men:
    1. Peel and chop equal parts Minority Report and Blade Runner.
    2. Grind 1984 in a blender or food processor to form a paste.
    3. Add 2 cups Brazil to a large pot and bring to boil.
    4. Pour all ingredients into boiling pot, stirring occasionally.
    5. Let cool.
    6. Season with Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life references (to taste).
    Makes one 2-hour batshit crazy extravaganza.
How To Drain (huh huh… huh…) Train Your Dragon: Yeah, that’s a step in the right direction for a non-Pixar animated movie.  Thrilling visuals, voice acting that at least tries to sound like actual human interaction, an original story…  The humor was a little obvious at times, but it was forgivable.  And I think they mo-capped my cat for that main dragon without his consent.  He says he’s suing.  Do you think he has a case?  Anyway, I wish I had seen it in the 3-D.  The computer-animated stuff always fares well with the 3-D.  But, yeah.  I’ll take that.
The Town:  Great, solid, thoroughly enjoyable flick.  I’m happy that Ben Affleck has left his cheesy romcom days behind him, and ever happier that he’s a pretty great director.  Movie was a little slow for me at times, but not so slow that I lost interest.  And let’s talk about Jeremy Renner.  Guy’s a natural.  Seriously, with that character it would have been oh so easy for him to chew the scenery, but he handled it like a pro.  I wasn’t a fan of The Hurt Locker, but he was brilliant in that as well.  Anyway, good flick.
The Fighter:  Yeah, you know… Christian Bale was fantastic (duh), Marky Mark was great (it happens sometimes), Amy Adams was really good (if not a little overrated.  Not her fault), the mom was really good… not really sure what else to say.  It’s another really good Massachusetts movie.  Anothah wickid pissah Mahssachewsetts Awscah Bayt movie with grayt pafahmances.
The King’s Speech: Like a spiritual sequel to The Madness Of King George.  The king (George III/George VI) has a malady (porphyria/stammer) that prevents him from doing his duty in a time of national urgency (Regency Crisis/Rise of Hitler), and it’s not until another royal (Lady Pembroke/Queen Elizabeth) recommends the help of a quirky specialist (Dr. Willis/Lionel Logue) that employs “outside the box” psychological methods (that push the boundaries between social classes) that a breakthrough is finally made.  To be clear: I’m not trying to cheapen the film.  The King’s Speech is fantastic, with amazing performances- Colin Firth elicits sympathy at the drop of a hat, and Geoffrey Rush is always top notch.  Hell, I’d watch him read the instructions to my TV for two hours.  And isn’t it nice to see Helena Bonham Carter actually ACT every once in awhile?  But, yes- this one’s so very obviously Oscar Bait.  The thing about Oscar Bait movies, though, is that it’s often a 12oz., medium rare, horseradish-encrusted, juicy filet mignon with a side of creamed spinach & au gratin potatoes dangling on that hook.
Oh, man.  Now I’m hungry.

The American: What a quiet, beautiful, elegant little movie this was.  George Clooney has really secured himself a spot in the annals of American cinema.  He’s versatile without being flashy, intense without being all method, just a joy to watch, even in movies I’m not so fond of (like Intolerable Cruelty- the only Coen misstep).  Dude’s come a long way since Return Of The Killer Tomatoes (All apologies.  Felt a burning need to drop that reference).  Anyway, The American was beautifully shot.  The use of lighting and colors during nighttime and indoor scenes was so very Dario Argento, which is NEVER a bad thing.  And I dug the pacing (what a weird thing to say)- it kept you only slightly uncomfortable, keeping you in touch with the unease felt by the title character.  I’m looking forward to Anton Corbijn’s next film, although IMDB doesn’t list anything in pre-production.  Maybe he’s shooting another Depeche Mode video, or something.  Let’s hope not.  No offense meant, Mr. Gahan, it’s just that we need more of Corbijn’s style on the big screen.
Black Swan:  Frightening.  Mesmerizing.  Beautiful.  Thrilling.  Painful.  Sexy.  Nightmarish. Un-cOm-FoR-tA-bLe.  This movie is a fucking masterpiece.
*The Human Centipede (First Sequence):
I keep trying to write something about this movie, but I keep getting 3 or 4 words out, and then deleting them.  So, I guess I’ll just reprint what I texted to my friend John when the end credits stopped rolling, because I feel like my first impression in this case will always be the purest: “I’m dumbfounded.  I think that was one of the most original, brilliant, beautiful piles of pointless exploitation dogshit I’ve ever seen.  I can’t even begin to consider how to rate it.  I haven’t been this confused about a movie… maybe ever.  I think Tom Six should be given first crack at directing anything he wants, but if he ever writes another movie he should be euthanized.”
Sorry.  Total cop-out, I know, but I refuse/haven’t a clue how to rate this movie.  Some would say that means the movie succeeded in what it set out to do, and is therefore proof of its brilliance, and I’m inclined to agree… but then the next minute I almost hate myself for considering it.  It hurts to think about, and I want to be done with it.The cinematography was awesome [slap].  It was too slow [slap].  Dieter Laser was amazing [slap].  Garbage [slap].  Brilliance [slap].  IT WAS GARBAGE AND IT WAS BRILLIANCE!
Forget it, Jake.  It’s Human Centipede.
-Epilogue-

Yeah, there’s still a multiplex-worth of 2010 movies I haven’t seen.  I will see some of them.  Someday.  And there’s a few flicks here that are screaming for that second day in court (I’m SO very ready to be SO very wrong about Scott Pilgrim). But now it’s time to focus on the new.  It’s February already.  Baby New Year (those ears!!!) is already walking and talking, for chrissake.  That pesky groundhog is about to see his own portrait and suddenly grow old, or something.  No, wait… what is it?  If the groundhog doesn’t use a reflective surface to gaze upon Andie MacDowell he turns to stone?  Whatever.  Point is it’s time to move on.  And I don’t care about 127 Hours, so stop asking.  If you were asking.  You weren’t asking, were you.  You’re not even still reading.  Why am I still typing?

2010 Movies I Saw In 2010

Posted: January 11, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments
No, I didn’t see two thousand and ten movies last year.
 -The Basics-
The Ratings System:
10 – Classic
9 – Awesome
8 – “I’d buy that for a dollar!”
7 – Great
6 – Good
5 – Average
4 – Not So Much
3 – “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try”
2 – Crap
1 – Twilight
The Movies, Rated, And In The Order I Dug Them:
Inception – 9
Toy Story 3* – 9
The Social Network – 8
Iron Man 2 – 8
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 – 8
True Grit – 8
Kick-Ass – 8
Shrek Forever After – 8
Robin Hood – 7
Jackass 3-D* – 7
Hot Tub Time Machine – 7
The Wolfman – 7
Legend Of The Guardians* – 7
Frozen – 7
Predators – 7
The Book Of Eli – 7
The Crazies – 7
Alice In Wonderland* – 7
The A-Team – 7
Unstoppable – 7
Shutter Island – 7
Clash Of The Titans – 6
Survival Of The Dead – 6
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World – 6
Tron: Legacy* – 6
The Losers – 6
The Spirit – 5
Skyline – 5
The Expendables – 5
Jonah Hex – 5
Splice – 4
Prince Of Persia – The Sands Of Time – 3
Legion – 3
A Nightmare On Elm Street – 2
 * Saw in 3-D (no, I didn’t see “Saw 3-D”)
–Would You Like To Know More?–
Warning:  serious ramblings ahead.  Proceed with caution.  Stay in lane.  Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.  Dead men tell no tales.  Captain, there be whales here…
OK, so let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of ratings and the mutability of personal tastes.  I love movies.  Back when I was a young buck and the world was simpler I’d easily see four to seven a week.  These days I don’t get out to see them very often, for various reasons (NYC ticket prices, laziness, work, theatre, laziness) but if I could, I’d be at the movies as often as my friend John (who’s list of 2010 movies he DIDN’T see would be shorter than my list of 2010 movies I DID see).  This year I made a concerted effort to get out and see more, or at least to try and catch up through the wonders of Netflix.  I also made the decision back in January to write down the titles of all the flicks I saw this year because I’m slowly turning into Leonard Shelby.  Without the tattoos.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, ratings and mutability and stuff.  So, firstly, I’m using a scale of 1 to 10, with no fractions and no “zero”.  If a movie gets made, it gets a score. 0 is not a score.  Also, if I started giving .5’s to stuff then in reality it would be a scale of 1-19.  Besides, fractions are scary.  You can’t travel in space, you can’t go out into space, you know, without, like, you know, uh, with fractions, okay? What are you going to land on – one-quarter, three-eighths? What are you going to do when you go from here to Venus or something?  Oh, Dennis Hopper.  You are missed.  And so is my point, so…
Mutability.  Like, changes and stuff.  Like, I sometimes see movies that I don’t like, and then I watch them again and love them (Die Hard 3, Dark City), and vice-versa (Terminator: Salvation, SW Episodes I-III: Attack Of The Chin Pouch).  This list is up-to-the-minute.  If I waited a week it might look completely different.  So, all “scores” are relative.  Sometimes I’m in the wrong mood.  Sometimes I have too much (or not enough) beer in me.  Sometimes I simply grow up a little and realize I just didn’t get it, or got it wrong.  A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age (is this whole thing going to be Shakespeare & Dennis Hopper quotes?  If you’re LUCKY it is).
So, about a month or so ago I figured I’d not only write down the movies I saw, but I’d put them into the order I liked them.  Then once I started doing that, I figured I’d also rate them.  Finally, I thought I’d get all “social network” on their asses and share it with y’all.  Then I decided to repost it in one of these here blog things that all the kids are talking about these days.  If that seems narcissistic and/or self-important, the red “x” is in the upper-left corner of this window (or upper-right if you’re still using that clunky Microsoft nonsense).  But, whatever.  Isn’t this kind of stuff what Facebook & blogs are for?  What’s that you say?  Blogs are for lonely nerds who can’t express themselves socially and Facebook is for stalking exes and ogling their hot friends?  Who knew!?
Oh, one more thing- a 10 doesn’t necessarily mean “perfect.”  Perfection is boring.  Steve Soderbergh makes “perfect” movies.  They’re clean, neat, everything fits in its right place, the three-act structure is god, and by the end they reach, right on time, the expected climax and conclusion that was set up from frame one.  ZZZZzzzzzzzz.  Out Of Sight still kicks ass, though.  Big, round, luscious J.Lo ass.
Anyway, all movies get “from the gut” ratings from me.  This is why I almost never write reviews.  I like or dislike a flick, but usually can’t quite put my finger on “why.”  Well, that and the whole mutability thing.  So, if you’re still interested…
…here’s some brief notes on the 2010 movies I saw in 2010:
A Nightmare On Elm Street:  Why?  Why remake a movie and bring nothing new to the table?  Especially if you’re going to tease us with the possibility that Fred Krueger DIDN’T play Uncle Touchy with those kids… and then completely ignore the idea in the third act.  WE’RE NOT THAT DUMB.
Legion:  Oh, boy.  Had promise, and that kick-ass old lady demon opening scene.  Then it became a beyond sub-par Night Of The Living Dead remake.  The old lady & Keamy from Lost are the only reason it gets a 3 instead of a 2.  Oh, and Doug Jones’s scene was OK… for whatever movie it was shot for…
Prince Of Persia – The Sands Of Time:  I think my Xbox controller is broken- I kept pressing “A” but this game kept sucking…
Splice:  Three words- WTF?
Jonah Hex:  …had absolutely no style.  Not BAD, but not good, either.  It was just… there.
The Expendables:  When your movie is dripping with this much fan-favorite testosterone-laden action guys it’s probably a good idea to give them less to say.  Seriously- a movie full of, er… “seasoned” actors, and the two least mumble-mouthed (and best performers) are a mixed martial artist & a former football player?  Sheesh.  I have nothing but reminiscence-love for Dolph Lundgren, but if they make a sequel I hope they sew his trap shut.
Skyline (or, War Of The Independence Day Matrix-ship Troopers Worlds):  A mostly boring, just-sort-of-there 45-minute movie wrapped in a 100-minute package (starring “Jesse” from the Buffy pilot!).  Kudos to the filmmakers for only spending between one and ten million bucks (depending who you ask) on it- it looked like a big-budget sci-fi flick… but some more cash thrown at a script & a better director would have been good.  As it is it’s just a glorified CGI demo reel for the studio to show off so someone else can hire them to do their effects.  Just like the Star Wars prequels.
The Spirit:  The Spirit got some stuff so very right.  Like it’s Sin City-style shot composition and Sam Jackson being downright batshit CRAZY (oh, and Eva Mendez’s full backside nudity…).  It also got some stuff so very wrong.  Like every time the movie came to a screeching halt so the half-baked dialogue could ramble on too long or The Spirit could deliver a crappy monologue to the camera instead of using a nice, old-fashioned voice-over.  The good got to heights of an 8, and the bad sunk to lows of a 3, therefore it averages out to a score of “Average.”  Math!
Note:  Um… I realize that in a scale of 1-10 a “5” isn’t actually“Average.”   In this case I choose to apply what George W. would have called “fuzzy math.”  Except, in this case, it’s actually true.  Also, fuck that jackhole.
The Losers:  MAN I wanted to like this movie so much more.  But it’s just “Good.”  Of the three “double-crossed group of mercs on a mission” movies I saw this year it sits firmly in the middle.
Tron: Revolutions… er, I mean Legacy: The Daft Punk Laser Light Show would have been a lot cooler if it didn’t talk so much.
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World:  Yeah… I get it.  It’s fun to reminisce about 8-Bit video games, and wouldn’t it be cool to base a love story and some action around that and add some crazy effects & interesting editing to sex it up a bit?  Not really.  But it’s still good.  Edgar Wright is the reason this gets a 6 instead of a 5.  He manages to class it up a bit… but not enough to get it any more above-average than it is.  I’m holding off before giving it a second day in court, mostly because I’m afraid the score will get lower once I’m not at an Alamo Drafthouse, drinking booze while watching it.  I do hope I end up liking it more without having to skip showering for a few days, grow a scraggly beard, wear an ironic hat & t-shirt, and move to a bedbug-infested loft in Williamsburg.
Survival Of The Dead:  The more I think about this movie, the more I feel it will get better with age.  It was definitely wrongly maligned by the internet movie-geek community.  Still, some bad performances weigh this one down a little.  Diary Of The Dead was barely-watchable C-R-A-P, but thankfully Romero was able to pull himself out of the grave he dug for himself with this one (see what I did there?).
Clash Of The Titans:  No, it’s not the original.  But seriously- revisit that one these days and you’ll still love it for its ability to take you back to your childhood… and maybe get a little embarrassed once or twice by how much it doesn’t hold up like you remember.  Basically, the new Clash looks amazing, the action is cool, the writing is abysmal, and the acting is just sort of there.  What it’s missing is the grand-slam performance extravaganza of Lawrence Olivier, Maggie Smith, Burgess Meredith, and Harry Hamlin’s nipples.
Note:  I wish I could see the original cut, before they sacrificed logical storytelling to make more screen time for Sam “I’m cast in all of these effects-heavy movies because I’m really not all that interesting” Worthington.
Shutter Island:  Creepy, atmospheric, well-acted.  The revelation scene at the end made my heart hurt.  Would have been better if it didn’t seem slightly phoned-in by Scorsese.  But seriously, “phoned-in” Scorsese is still better than most directors who give it their all.
Unstoppable:  Hey, this was a really good movie!  Starts out a little slow, but by the third act you realize this was intentional.  The movie picks up speed as the runaway train does.  If Tony Scott wasn’t behind the lens this one would have been a stinker, but once again he brings his “sensible action director” aesthetic to the table & we all get to feast.  Also, Captain Kirk and Malcolm X worked really well together.  Which, considering the latter’s penchant for mowing over his costars, says something about Chris Pine’s talent (as well as Denzel’s newfound restraint).
The A-Team:  Fun, fun, fun.  Everything I expected it to be.  Everything The Expendables wasn’t.
 Alice In Wonderland:  Hoo, boy.  OK.  Here we go.  I’m pretty sure I’m not cuckoo bananas, but I really, really liked this movie (GET THAT STRAIGHT-JACKET AWAY FROM ME!!!), but man did it get CREAMED on the infernets.  Now, I get that there are such things as opinions, and that every single one is different.  If you didn’t like this film, that’s fine.  But if your complaint is of the “why did Burton change the story so much” and “how come everything has to be so DARK in all his movies” type (of which there seem to be plenty), then I’m not sure you were paying attention.  Hell, I’ve even read reviews that wrongly describe it as an “origin story.”  This Alice is basically a sequel to the events of Alice In Wonderland & Through The Looking Glass.  The movie goes out of its way, more than a few times, to let you know that 1. she’s been there before, 2. she never remembers being there before, and 3. the place has gone completely wrong (and dark) because it turns out that tyrant chick who likes to cut peoples’ heads off… is evil.  Right?  Who’d-a thunk it?  Then there’s the people who hate it because “Tim Burton sucks now.” If you’re going in with that agenda and letting it color your experience, you’re a lazy filmgoer.  Anyway, I saw this movie in the theater in 3-D, and , yeah… that didn’t work.  It wasn’t a Clash Of The Titans experience (which I did NOT see in 3-D, I just heard about how bad it was), but it was… well… I was wearing the glasses, but it still looked 2-D, which was distracting.  And headache-inducing.  But I still dug it.  I visied it at home again, in 2-D, and liked it even more.  Tim Burton may be down, but he’s not out.
The Crazies:  Another zombie movie?  Yes.  Can’t really put my finger on it, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  It ain’t going down in history as a classic, and will probably be forgotten by this time next year, so I’m glad I caught this one while it was fresh.
The Book Of Eli:  Solid post-apocalyptic character piece.  Another non-classic, but the visual style was great, chronic overactor Denzel managed to rein it in a bit (twice in one year!), and it had the Gary Oldman bump.  Mila Kunis was borderline waste-of-space, but she pulled through.  Those Hughes brothers sure know how to frame a shot.
Predators:  Robert Rodriguez definitely wins the “Cool Guy Who Makes Movies” award.  He ain’t the best out there, but he seems to know what we want and can deliver it with style.  The movie lost me a bit for 20 minutes or so somewhere in the middle, but as a continuation of the Predator story (AVP does not exist in this dojo) this one delivers.  As far as director Nimród Antal’s other movies are concerned… I haven’t seen any, but now I’m curious.  Any suggestions?
Frozen:  holy cow, what an uncomfortable, scary, gross, thrilling movie this was.  And 80% of it takes place in a chair!  Might have gotten a higher score, but I’m not sure how rewatchable this one’s gonna be.
Legend Of The Guardians:  the surprise of the year for me.  A CGI-animated kids movie about owls.  In 3-D!  Very exciting, very touching, great voice acting, and so realistic that it took me out of it at times because I found myself eye-mapping every bit of feather fluff on those thing’s faces.  It gets no more than a 7 because I kinda don’t remember a lot of story-specifics.  Looking forward to watching this one at home, even if I end up missing that story stuff again.
The Wolfman:  Great remake of a moldie-oldie.  Everyone in it is great, and it has this subtly creepy, gothic tone oozing through every bit of it.  Was a little sad the masses didn’t agree, but, ultimately, who cares what those jagoffs think.
Hot Tub Time Machine:  Yup.  A funny, silly movie about time-traveling back to the 80’s.  Laughed a lot, had a blast, watched it at home, did the same, and that’s that.  Rob Corddry is one funny mutha – shut your mouth! – Hey, I’m just talkin’ ‘bout Rob Corddry!
Jackass 3-D:  Huh huh… they smacked that guy in the face with a giant hand.  Heh… slow-motion water-splash and boxing-gloved punch to the face.  huh, huh… huh… that guy just got bungeed in a Port-A-John full of shit.
Note: Oh, yes.  I’m still 16.  Make no mistake about it.
Robin Hood:  I was enjoying it, with reservations, right up until I realized, near the very end, that this was a prequel to the classic Robin Hood story.  Then I liked it so much more.  Still, the big climactic battle on the beach was a little generic and precious (really, do we HAVE to have Maid Marion put on chainmail and fight too?  Yeah, yeah, I understand “girl power,” and all, but I also understand character continuity). Sadly, this one didn’t do so well, so there probably won’t be a sequel.  Too bad, cause I’d now like to see Ridley Scott continue it on to the story as we know it.
Oh, also: KEAMY!
Shrek Forever After:  What’s big and green and forgoes 90% of its predecessors’ penchant for boring pop-culture references in favor of actually telling a story?  Shrek 4, that’s what!   Who’da thunkit!?
Kick-Ass:  Kicked ass.  Pretty good intro with the origin of the title character- I was kinda into the whole “non-super” Spider-Man vibe, but not sure where it was going… and then all of a sudden there’s Nic Cage shooting his small daughter in the chest to prove she can survive a bullet while wearing Kevlar and I was SOLD.  Also, the scene where “Big Daddy” takes out the goons in the warehouse was the best Batman scene Nolan, Burton, and Schumacher (and Martinson) never filmed.  And, BONUS– it has a little girl calling people “cunts” right before shooting them in the head!  To quote Degrassi: “it goes there.”
True Grit:  Another Coen masterpiece.  Why only an 8?  Because I have yet to see a brothers Coen movie that I fell in love with, unconditionally, the first time through.  They’re so densely packed that it takes multiple viewings for me to fully appreciate them.  Lebowski is my favorite movie of all time, but it certainly didn’t gain that status until the 4th or 5th viewing, at best.  I’m psyched to revisit this one a few times.  Also, Grit was so very faithful to the book that it wasn’t so Coen-y.  Which I’m sure was their point.  Also, also- Jeff Bridges is the man.  Like you didn’t know that already.
Harry Potter & The Ca$h Grab, Part 1:  Sorry.  Had to throw some cynicism in there.  But seriously, in this case, everybody wins.  WB gets extra $$ for splitting up the movie and we get more awesome Potterage (“I wish they had split all of the movies into two parts.  Well, maybe not the first two…”- Bonze), cuz that Yates guy gets it.  Once the dust settles and I’ve seen all these movies multiple times, I’ll probably do a “Yates Day” Potter thing.  Like watching all of LOTR or the Star Wars trilogy in one day, except only watching Order of The Phoenix through Deathly Hallows, Part 2 as one big movie.  Speaking of which, someday you should try the “Larkin & Costello Star Wars Afternoon”- start Star Wars at the briefing before the Death Star battle, watch to the end, continue through all of Empire, then watch Jedi until they rescue Han and leave Tatooine.   Yes, yes- I’m a huge nerdlinger.
Oh, right- forgot to talk about the movie.  Loved it… but it was so front-loaded that I found myself a little distracted in the second half.  Not a bad thing, since we’re meant to feel the frustration and confusion that these characters experience by temporarily fleeing their world gone so horribly wrong, but still- after witnessing the frightening, exciting, violent extravaganza that was the first hour of DH, Pt.1, my brain wasn’t quite ready to get off that rollercoaster.  I’m POSITIVE that when it continues in Pt. 2 I will fully appreciate the slowdown, just like in the book… but for now I’m simply letting the anticipation get the better of me.  Also, the animated section where Hermione tells the story of the Deathly Hallows was the coolest thing filmed this year.
Iron Man 2:  As good as the first, albeit with a little less heart and a lot more action. I love how Favreau makes it feel like these Marvel Comics characters are from an extended Swingers universe.  I’ve watched it once in the theatre and once at home now, and both times I had the same issue:  it started to lose me, and then it was five minutes in to the finale before I realized it had moved into the finale.  Weird.  Still, it’s an 8, because weird pacing aside, when it’s right, it’s so exciting to watch.
The Social Network:  You know, I had absolutely no interest in seeing this movie.  Seriously, zilch.  But then I saw Jesse Eisenberg on Conan, and they showed a quick little clip of the movie and suddenly I wanted to see it very badly.  So I did.  And it was superb, just like everybody said it was (dammit).  I might have ranked it a 9, but I’m fairly certain I won’t be revisiting it, beyond catching a scene on some basic cable channel sometime in the future and getting hooked for ten minutes or so.  It’s just not a watch over-and-over kind of movie.  But I’m very, very happy I broke down and gave it a chance while it was still relevant.
Note: Thank the maker David Fincher was able to redeem himself after the bore-fest that was Benjamin Button.  Also, Zodiac & Social were great, but I really, really hope he goes back to his Se7en/Fight Club roots for his next film.
Toy Story 3:  Those jerks at Pixar really know how to make a grown man cry.
Inception:  I loved this movie.  Did I “get it”?  Yes.  Would I explain it to you?  No way, Jose.  To quote the Matrix, “It’s the question that drives us.”  If you liked it, watch it again.  If you didn’t, it’s up to you, but I think you should give it another go.  I DID see it twice in the theatre, but I made the mistake of seeing it in IMAX the second time.  Didn’t take anything away from the movie, but I was so busy moving my head from side to side to catch everything that I missed so much.  Also, JG-L’s weightless ordeal in the hotel is the best action sequence of the year, which proves that you don’t need quick-cuts, big explosions, and shaky-cams to get the job done.  Christopher Nolan is a tried-and-true artist, right down to the bone.  I hope this one stands the test of time, because it may truly be a “Classic.”  Give it a couple of years.  I’ll get back to you.
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