2014 Movie Midterms, Part 1

It’s the end of July and I’ve seen a few movies this year.  So here are some thoughts…

The Legend Of Hercules: You know when you watch a movie that’s so bad it’s GREAT?  Like, you can have some friends over, grab a few beers, maybe some chips and salsa, and have an MST3K-style snark-a-thon?

Yeah, this movie is not one of those.  It’s just plain bad.  Embarrassingly so.  I watched it at home and turned it off… with only 15 minutes left in the runtime.  So, yeah, I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the thing in the comfort of my own home with less time remaining than it takes to eat lunch.   Bad effects, horrible writing, and that lunkhead in the lead was like a walking, mumbling black hole.  I guess it got made because there’s another Hercules movie coming out this summer, starring Dwayne Johnson.  That’ll suck, too, but it’s also got John Hurt, Ian McShane, Joseph Fiennes, and Rufus Sewell in it, so maybe it’ll be fun.  Maybe.

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit: Nothing earth-shattering, but solid.  On the director side, Kenneth Branagh knows how to get his actors to have some fun, and on the acting side he’s got no lips always charmingly hammy (especially with that Russian accent).  Captain Kirk 2.0 was really good.  Keira Knightly’s American accent was atrocious.  Costner’s cool.

As far as what happens in the movie, well… um… spy stuff?  I guess?  Something about nukes at a sporting event?  I really don’t remember, actually.  I think there was wine involved.  I mean, in the watching of the thing.  Or maybe it just wasn’t memorable, plot-wise.  I just know I liked it on some level.  Hey, it was a mid-January release, so there was never a chance it was going to be amazing, or anything.  But, yeah, solid.  So, just ignore what I can’t seem to say about it and check it out.

I, Frankenstein:  “How come the modern-day forces of evil always have snazzy suits and technology while the modern-day forces of good are always one goblet of mead away from a trip to the Renn Faire?”  Click HERE for the full review.

The Monuments Men:  Wait, wait… is that a foghorn I hear?  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOrrriiiiiiiinnnggg.

George Clooney.  Matt Damon.  Bill Murray.  John Goodman.  Bob Balaban.  How the hell do you put those five guys together and come up with something this bland?  There were a couple of setups that seemed like future payoffs, like old man Balaban unhappy with his rank as Private and some hinted-at playful banter between he and Murray, but neither ever went anywhere.  There was an almost-funny thing where Matt Damon speaks in really broken French (with the subtitles to prove it), but once the concept was introduced it was treated as an afterthought.  And that was really the general issue with this flick- it felt like a two-hour first act of a movie.

There were a couple of bright spots, namely Jean Dujardin and Hugh Bonneville’s French and British characters, respecively.  They transcended the plodding, flatlined story and breathed nuanced life into their roles… and then they died.  Like, halfway through.  Leaving Cate Blanchett-Costello to do all the heavy lifting, performance-wise.  But she disappears for a huge chunk of the runtime, so… waste.

That’s all I have to say, really.  Even thinking about this movie is boring me to snores.

The Lego Movie:  Yup, it’s as funny, heartwarming, irreverent, exciting, and original as you heard.  A corny breath of fresh air.  A laid-back, fun time.  A hoot.

That’s all.

Robocop:  A surprisingly good movie.  For a while.  The prologue (of sorts) sets up a pretty nice, original take on the story, complete with a FOX News-style braying talking head and bald-faced parallels to modern-day, technologically “advanced” American involvement in chaotic, transitional, oppressed countries somewhere off the northeast corner of Africa… but then somewhere about an hour in you realize they’ve abandoned originality for reminiscence, and you’re spending more time appreciating the clever ways they updated the original movie than caring about what’s actually going on in the one you’re watching.  And then your mind wanders to a place of nostalgia.  And then you just want to see Kurtwood Smith turn an irradiated Dr. Whatsisname from ER and Fame into flesh soup with his SUX 6000 in a dirty steel factory.  And that makes you realize that this remake never really had a chance, so you finish it out of respect for the good fight, but then you pop in the original and gloriously relive what is possibly the most violent, sarcastic, and societally-accurate film spectacle from, and about, the 80’s.

So, basically, Robocop 2014 is a flashy commercial for the newest Hi-Def release of 1987’s Robocop.  And for that, I thank it.

Pompeii: You know nothing, Jon Snow.

300: Rise Of An Empire: In the first five minutes of this movie, there’s about twenty slow-motion CGI blood splatters, featured prominently, right in the center of your screen.  But you say to yourself, “self, I’m going to soldier on, because it’s obvious they’ve put some care into the imagery of this thing, like the original did, and are hoping to keep this thing’s style in that world, for continuity’s sake.  Except blue.”

Buuuuuuut then the next five minutes happen.  And then the five minutes after that.  And a few five minuteses later you realize that this would-be “framing story” for the original 300 is doing nothing but cheapening the entire few-against-many aesthetic of that film, and the only reason to stick around is for the occasional cool, albeit hopelessly xeroxed-from-the-source, visual representations of (totally awesome, old-school) war (,bro!).  And then it ends.  And then, just like with Robocop 2014, you immediately pop in the original, because that’s how it’s done.  Bro.

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I actually recommend this thing for one very specific reason- it contains the most complex sex scene I’ve ever seen.  Complex, because it’s equal parts uncomfortable, sexy, violent, confusing, right, wrong, and hi-fucking-larious.  Check it out.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier: A surprisingly ensemble-driven movie, considering it’s a Captain America flick.  This is not a bad thing.  They figured out how to make a S.H.I.E.L.D.-heavy film around the title character (well, one of the title characters) without detracting from his personal, ongoing storyline (which was one of the (overblown) complaints about the original Thor flick).  And the Marvels-That-Be continue to figure out exciting ways to keep Cap from being too “vanilla.”  The first major sequence of the movie sees he & Black Widow on a rescue mission on board a S.H.I.E.L.D. vessel, but instead of an all-out guns-a-blazin’ fight, Cap is all stealthy and ninja-esque (in his new, muted blue-and-silver supersuit).  But just when you think, “this guy is going to sneak up on people and just knock them out, because, vanilla,” a fantastic, brutal fight scene happens where no punches are pulled.  And then the major plot kicks in (starring Robert Friggin’ Redford and Samuel L. Jackson) and it’s one of espionage and intrigue, which is the perfect playground for this blast-from-the-past Stars-And-Stripes soldier boy to grow as a character.  And then they throw in the other guy from the film’s title, adding a personal connection to the proceedings for Steve Rogers, and suddenly you realize that Captain America is a seriously nuanced dude.

…and then you look up directors “The Russo Brothers” to see what else they’ve done, and you go, “holy crap, those guys directed a bunch of Community episodes, but nothing from that terrible fourth season, so no wonder I enjoyed myself so much,” because ensemble is totally their bag.  And then you lament having to wait another two years for their next Captain America flick.

Oh, and I should mention Anthony Mackie.  Guy took what was clearly an awkwardly wedged-in role and turned lead into gold.

Be back in a bit…

 (Part 2 HERE)