“The First Thing We Do, Let’s Kill All The Editors.” -William Shakespeare

…and here we are again. Did I say I wasn’t going to watch this? Yes. Yes, I did. Should have listened to myself.

Even more obviously disjointed by a PG-13 edit than its predecessor was, The Scargiver (oof) trades frenetic galaxy-hopping for… um, well… farming. Literally staying in one location and farming. Oh, but I guess we get some other sci-fi locations too because there’s also some navel-gaze-y origin-storying that mirrors (read: thematically retreads) their all-too-similar “recruitment” scenes from Part 1. Because trusting these characters, assembled into this team like it’s a vintage Nintendo RPG in the late 80s, to remain interesting, or distinguishable from each other, is something the filmmakers clearly didn’t believe possible. 

But they were wrong- that one has laser whips and the other has long hair. And uh… Djimon Honsou is one. Aaaand… there was the other one too. Right? I think there were four. Plus Sofia Boutella. So five. Oh, and her boyfriend. Does he count? I’m sure I’m forgetting someone. Trying to remember by picturing which one(s) acted as sort of watered-down deus ex machina(s) for the first two waves of the final battle before the other two actual deus ex machinas showed up for the other two waves.

Nope. Can’t do it. But seriously, there were multiple deus ex machinas. And the final one was truly a “who the frak are THESE people?” one because I had almost completely forgotten about the events of the first movie. Because it was pretty forgettable.

HOWEVER (yes, Virginia, there is a “however”), I now fully plan on seeing the “Hard R” Snyder Cut of these when they’re available. For me, the latter half of Zack Snyder’s filmography has sort of been all over the place, quality-wise (often even within the same movie), but one thing they haven’t been is incoherent. This movie very specifically feels like a thing that is clinging, tooth and nail, to any speck of coherency every chance it gets, but is hobbled by this need (whose need was it, Netflix?) to cut it down to a 2 hour, PG-13, Cliff’s Notes vehicle. Characters that obviously were intended to have a deeper relationship with each other, justifying an earnest emotional reaction to one’s death, seem more like acquaintences in this version, which makes that same death scene reaction just… silly. The aforementioned final deus ex machina may have had its desired effect if the sequence’s surprise saviors had even been mentioned in any significant way since the first movie. And once again, Jimmy The Robot is CLEARLY supposed to be a presence we should care about, not just a random realistic special effect voiced by Anthony Hopkins. 

So, yeah- bring on the longer cuts. I’m beyond curious to see what Rebel Moon 1 & 2 were intended to be. I mean, there’s absolutely NOT a world where these things can be even remotely as good as the LOTR Extended Cuts (mostly because the Theatrical cuts of those were already great), but if I can get something as surprisingly fun and competent as Zack Snyder’s Justice League, I’ll be a happy moviegoer.

Oh, boy. I’m setting myself up for disappointment, for sure.


John Krasinski Presents: An Actually Good Modern Horror Sequel

A thriller that actually thrills. A horror film that is actually scary. A sequel that urges the story forward without trying to one-up its predecessor. And boy, does it flow incredibly well- there’s not a wasted shot, a moment that lingers too long, nor a repetitive story beat anywhere to be found. Can you see where the visual and tonal influences come from? Sure. Alien, The Last Of Us, Lost, The Walking Dead, Jurassic Park, etc., all represented here. Does that in any way undermine the narrative? Nope. If anything it gets you to a familiar emotional setting sooner so you can let any particular scene take you on its unexpected ride. It’s refreshing when a modern horror film can do that. Add to that its originality in story AND the fact that it’s a sequel and you’ve got a new, modern benchmark for scary flicks.

Please keep making movies, John Krasinski. I’m not sure there’s a filmmaker out there today that knows how to keep things as lean and mean as you do. Just so satisfying.


Undeserving Of All The Trash Talk

A wholly serviceable, perfectly comprehensible, gloriously ridiculous bit of light entertainment with a visual flare and a unique style that we’ve come to expect from Matthew Vaughn. It’s a little long- some scenes meander about with uneccessary, repetitive exposition, and the aforementioned style is a little scattershot and underused- there are long stretches, by design, I think (as the movie’s two worlds take time to sync up), that make the shifts to hyper-fantastical action a bit awkward, but everything eventually unfolds in a satisfying and exciting way. Was the “oil scene” a little strange? Yup. Totally. But I’ll take an odd-yet-original swing for the fences over another generic shoot-em-up resolution any day. 

Not Vaughn’s best, but MUCH better than this weird critical drubbing it’s getting. And the “I love that I can be snarky and add to the noise” non-reviews some of y’all are posting at Letterboxd are just embarrassing. I mean… people are finding this thing confusing? COME ON. One star and a lame jab at Henry Cavill’s hair? You’re SO funny, you clever little proto-hipster, you.

Anyway, see it. It’s an unprecedented box office bomb, so you’ll be able to couch watch it very soon. Bring popcorn.


Should Have Created Some Coherency

An absolutely amazing collection of seamless, inventive, ever-present yet subtly-used special effects in one of the most bland, disjointed, and misguided films ever put on celluloid. Or, rather, hard drives- apparently it was shot on digital cameras you can walk out of Best Buy with for less than $4000. Which is pretty awesome, considering how truly revolutionary these visual effects are. But, oh, what a head-scratcher, narrative-wise.

Check it out, though, if only to marvel at what you’re seeing on screen for a bit (I somehow made it about 90 minutes before I gave up for the night and finished it the next day. While doing other things). Just don’t expect to care about anyone in it or understand how characters seem to just forget everything that happened before the scene they’re currently in. 

I see now why they course corrected Rogue One after principal photography. Gareth Edwards has a unique visual style, but his storytelling sense is severely lacking. John David Washington deserved better than this.


Too Little, Too Late

Like its predecessor, it’s big, loud, dumb-yet-fun, generic action entertainment. Just maybe a little less of all that than last time around, but compensated for by being juuuuuuust a tiny little bit more noticeably derivative (#sarcasm). At one point Captain Quint and his War-Rocket-Ajax-Except-It’s-A-Submarine crew use some Squiddy Sentinels to break in to Talokan after Aquaman rescues his brother from the Soldier Mummies in Hamunaptra and brings him to underwater Jabba’s Palace so they can find out how to get to undersea Minas Morgul before Evil Iron Man, under the influence of Fish Sauron because he wields The-One-Ring-Except-It’s-A-Trident, does. No, there was nothing not fun about typing that sentence. Now, where was I… 

The CG creature and set designs are cool, but, also just like in the first one, there’s entirely too much of it, so after awhile it all just became an assault of visual noise that left me (once again) wondering, “wait… what even happened in the finale?” literally minutes after the credits rolled. Momoa’s fun, Amber Heard is a waste of space, Yahya Abdul-Mateen is great, I still can’t understand a literal word that comes out of Dolph Lundgren’s mouth, Randall Park was good (if not underwritten), and Patrick Wilson is the MVP here for classing up the joint.

Anyway, rest in pieces, DCEU. This was a one-hopper that got you to first base uncontested, but, alas, the game was already over.


Welcome To The Dollverse

A solid movie that uses goodhearted satire to playfully poke fun at gender inequality. But it never gets mean- it’s not even close to the Lorena Bobbitt-style societal emasculation that some fragile manbabies with too much time on their hands would have you believe. Alternatively, it’s not the 19th Amendment-style feminist victory others are championing it as- it’s mostly throwing softballs for two hours. And that is, at the same time, its biggest pro and con- it’s chock full of funny, lighthearted rib nudging that could probably have gone a little further. There was definitely a point where I almost checked out, thinking, “OK, I get it… now what?” The satire maybe could have used some more bite. Then again, that might have betrayed its good-natured approach to its subject matter, so I dunno. In any case, it’s fun. The production design is appropriately colorful and plastic-y, the writing is suitably goofy… It’s definitely a smiler, not a laugh-out-louder.  

But I hope every kid in America sees it.


Seven Samurai For Dummies

You’ll hear a lot of people complaining that Rebel Moon Part 1: Get Over Yourself With This Pretentiously Long Title is derivative of a bunch of classic films we’ve all seen. And it is. But I’m here to tell you- that was the best thing about the movie.  Recognizing that from scene to scene was the only interesting thing going on. It’s the only thing that kept me watching. RMPt1ACoF (hee!) is a bland mess that, even though it’s over 2 hours long, feels rushed and incomplete. Was I supposed to be invested in all these generic badasses that our heroes gathered together, one-by-one, for a Seven Samurai-type reckoning? Because I’m hard pressed to even tell you what their big character intro setpieces were. Oh wait- that one guy had to train a giant ratbird, I think. And did another one kill a guy with a lightsaber, or something? Whatever. I certainly couldn’t tell you any of their names at gunpoint. OK, I just looked it up and Ray Fisher’s character was called “Darrian Bloodaxe.” Oof. Anyway, when he died I think I was supposed to feel something. I didn’t. There was this rando character on screen that definitely did- she was all featured in a shot, yelling, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!,” but I was too busy distractedly thinking, “wait who is THAT seemingly important person?” to even care. Which, I think was one of the myriad directorial gaffes Snyder made- every single character, big or small, lead or under-five, Djimon Honsou or Jimmy The Random Robot, was treated like they were the linchpin of the entire fucking movie.

And that’s exhausting. When you’re 90 minutes in and still playing catch-up, not because it’s intricate or convoluted, but because it’s so scattershot, self-important, and plodding in its utter boringness, well… you’ve got yourself a Battlefield: Earth situation. Except without the joys of endless mocking. Yeah, there was a giant space vagina, but I feel that has limited returns, guffaw-wise.

Anyway, I will probably skip Rebel Moon Part 2: A Bug’s Life But Stupid. But there is a small part of me (the masochistic part, I guess) that is curious to see the “Snyder Cut” version of this once they put it out there. I’m in the minority that feels that made Justice League good (I mean, it didn’t make it essential viewing, or anything, just… better?). I dunno. I was still (foolishly?) holding out hope, but I think maybe I’ve kept Zack Snyder in my fridge well past his Sell-By date and it’s time to just hold my nose and pour him out into my sink. In slo-mo with speed-ramping.


Halitotic Penultimate Gasp

Wowwwww, what a mess. 

Was Affleck great? Yes. Was Keaton great? Yes. Was Sasha Calle great? Yes. Did any of them elevate the movie? No. There was no elevating this movie. It’s an occasionally fun, occasionally funny, occasionally thrilling, middling mess. And if you were hoping this ties up the grand disastrous experiment that was the DCEU in a nice, neat bow, I’m sorry- it so very doesn’t. The Flash plays out like the movie it was originally intended to be- a hybrid multiverse/origin story for a character that they fully intended to continue on with before the world went to pandemic shit and the actor portraying him devolved into a creep. And absolutely 0% was changed regarding that fact once they decided to scrap this whole decade-old Marvel-But-Gritty copycat experiment. It could have ended with a nice, coherent, game-ending touchdown. Instead it went wide-right on the goal posts with a climax involving floating, rotating, color-coded space-time multiverse balls, each filled with an odd, incomplete smattering of “established” CG superheroes from old movies, TV shows, and even “died in development” concepts, crashing into each other. And then The Flash peaces out and goes home. And then Clooney shows up and smiles. Because WHAT A CUTE, NON-DEFINITIVE ENDING, YOU GUYS.

I’ve truly enjoyed many moments and a few of the films WB/DC has put out there over the past decade, but ultimately, thanks to this misguided, undercooked, wet fart “ending” to the current DCEU, I’m glad it’s all over with.

I mean, until Aquaman 2 dredges it all back up by pretending it’s an unrelated thing.

REWATCH, 12/25/2023:

Ok, so I gave this thing a rewatch, and I’m… happy(?) to say that, six months removed from all the expectation and hype, it’s a better film than on its first viewing. It’s fun and original. Its double-role star is equally charming and (intentionally) annoying, which, against all odds, made it pretty watchable for me. However, the CG is still a disaster- I know the excuse for things like the opening baby scene is “this is just how things look in the speed force,” but let’s face it- that’s just director/studio spin for “we didn’t want to spend any more fx money on a film that’s 4 years late, stars a seriously problematic person, and is the halitotic penultimate gasp of a dead cinematic universe.” But, most egregiously, the movie suffers from unsalvageable narrative entropy in its entire third act, mostly because the “big bad” we’re supposed to care about was an utter afterthought for the first 2 hours, but definitely also because of that selfsame speed force CGI.

So, yeah, I had a better time this time, but 2 1/2 stars still feels right. “Average.”


The Artist Formerly Known As The Shape

Hey, read this Halloween 2018 thing first!

Halloween Kills (2021): I wanted very badly for everyone who dunked on this movie to be wrong.  I wanted a sequel to Halloween 2018 that justified that film’s somewhat awkward existence by moving the story forward in an insightful and original way while still scaring me.  Finally, I wanted it to make me hungry for the planned third film.

I got literally none of that.

What I did get was an unbelievably misguided and unnecessary fan-service attempt in the form of grown-up versions of the two Haddonfield, IL kids we remember from Halloween 1978 and then also a third one who was basically a glorified extra in that film.  Oh, right, and the nurse whose hair Michael Myers touched for like a second and a half while escaping the asylum.  Which was 150 miles away from Haddonfield, so… why is she here?  Oh, right.  Fan-service.  Because Halloween 1978 is a movie that requires fan service, apparently.

What I also got was the continued de-scary-ifying of the OG scary masked murderer that kicked off literal decades of genre filmmaking.  You know what’s scary?  A silent guy in a white mask just standing there, slightly out of focus, in the background, that when you turn around, isn’t there anymore.  You know what isn’t scary?  That same guy, front-and-center, mass murdering packs of civilians all at once while getting shot and stabbed, multiple times, and surviving, AGAIN.  One needle sticking out of a pincushion looks like art.  Multiple needles sticking out of a pincushion looks like it’s its job.

And it makes our antagonist look like Jason Voorhees, not Michael Myers.

Which was what I thought they were trying to avoid with these Halloween Timeline 2.0 films.  But, as it stands now, it’s looking like they’re just remaking the sequels they were trying to erase, but fancier.

I don’t know what else to say.  Yeah, they tried to do a statement-y thing with adult Tommy Doyle riling up a local mob to find and kill Myers that gets way out of hand… which would have been interesting if it wasn’t so half-baked and repetitive (and yeah, they storm a government building, so something something Capitol riot something, or whatever I’m supposed to say to make it seem like prescient filmmaking, or whatever).  They force feed you, again, the quite literally unprejudiced murder selection of Michael.  But this time it’s by showing you that no one is safe, regardless of race, age, gender, sexual orientation, or, you know, general disposition.  And they blatantly force what will likely be the climax of this planned trilogy by having Will Patton’s character, somehow surviving a stab wound to the jugular in the last film, and Jamie Lee, stabbed in the gut, in a hospital room together, on dual navel-gazing duty about who’s more to blame for this predicament.  Because I guess if you’re a “good guy” who’s just as focused and driven as an evil murder machine, you too can be a pincushion and survive like it’s your job.

I dunno.  I’m trying not to be a grump here, but I have always been of the mind that OG Halloween was a movie that had a perfect ending and should never have gotten a sequel.  But if you absolutely HAVE to do it, you’ve got to come up with something as rich in originality, subtext and self-confidence as it had.  I’m not against flashy, loud, violence-envelope-pushing filmmaking, but if doubling-down on the brutality means hobbling the scary, then maybe hedge your bets on the former a bit and focus more on the latter.  And hey, maybe somehow Halloween Ends will bring it all into focus in such a way that I’ll come back and eat some serious crow about all of this.

You know, just like Revenge Of The Sith did for the prequel tril…

…oh, never mind.

Make Michael Myers Scary Again (#mmmsa).


MCU Rewatch: Phase One, Part 2

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Yeah… it’s taken me five months to continue this thing.  SO?

Anyway, click HERE for Part 1.

THOR

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“I’m a Pepper, he’s a Pepper, she’s a Pepper, we’re a Pepper, wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?”

William Shakespeare Jake Holmes

Fun drinking game: any time you see or hear product placement in Thor, take a swig.  Actually, don’t.  Once the narrative moves from Asgard to New Mexico you’ll be wasted in five minutes.  Let’s change the game.  Every time you notice Chris Hemsworth’s bleached eyebrows and facial hair…

Anyway, all drinking games aside, Thor is a pretty great movie.

Front loaded?  Oh, you better believe it.  But that front is full of really fun, colorful stuff.  And with Kenneth Branagh directing, we get some Shakespearean drama and themes injected into the proceedings- a throne succession gone sour, a scheming bastard son, an exile into the “wilderness,” a shoehorned-in Hawkeye/S.H.I.E.L.D. presence…

…sorry. I kid, I kid.  Shakespeare didn’t awkwardly introduce and insert a new S.H.I.E.L.D. character into his works at the behest of his movie studio.

That was Ben Jonson.

Anyway…

Is it possible to chew scenery and remain subtle as you do it?  Because I’m pretty sure that’s what we got from Sir Anthony Hopkins here.  His overflowing pride in his #1 son at the beginning of this movie as he declares for all of Asgard his intention to name him his successor, juxtaposed with his utter disappointment and frustration with him a few scenes later when Thor, in a fit of petulant childish rage, demands they take immediate action against a long-dormant enemy that may or may not have been involved in a bit of capital theft is a masterclass in how to try (and, ultimately, fail) to compartmentalize your emotions.  And Hopkins is bringing this A-Game to a comic book movie, for chrissake.  He’s just that good.

Oh, and the bit in the aforementioned latter scene where he cuts Loki off with a quick growl and a clenched fist is this movie’s Obadiah Stane/Scientist-Guy moment.  So awesome.

Anyway, Thor attacks some frost giants with the aid of his Howling Commandos Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, gets exiled to Earth for it, loses his powers, befriends some normals, can’t get it up lift his hammer until he’s deemed worthy again, falls in love, gets over himself, puts his life on the line for others, gets his power back, learns a valuable life lesson, goes home.  You know, the usual.  Just like Hamlet.  Not really.

The stuff in New Mexico is definitely not as exciting, or eye-pleasing as everything that came before, but that’s to be expected.  I’m sure it was on purpose that they traded in the colorful, fantastical world of Asgard for its exact opposite- a sparsely populated McTown in the middle of a bland desert.  And as a contrast it totally works.  A little too well, actually- every time I watch Thor I find myself tuning out a bit during the second act in anticipation of the Asgardians returning home for the final scenes.  After their not-so-exciting battle with a giant space robot, that is.

Really, though, I’m glad this movie exists because it lets you see how far Thor has grown as a character (and how far Hemsworth has come as an actor) in the 8 years (and… 6 Marvel movies?) since it was released.  Good stuff.

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CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

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“Show lots of things happening at once/Remind everyone what’s going on/And with every shot show a little improvement/To show it all would take too long.”

-Trey Parker

I used to have an issue with this movie when it came to the stuff with Cap and his newly-formed Warriors Three Howling Commandos going on missions and how it was reduced to a montage instead of full-on adventure scenes.  And while it would have been totally awesome to have seen those things happen in real-time, I eventually came to the realization that it would have been disastrous to the film’s flow.  And also that, structurally, it exists as a “true war hero” juxtaposition to the previous, “war bond shill” montage.  Furthermore, Captain America might just have the most concise structure of any film in the MCU- a modern-day prologue, a first act that showcases his origin story, a montage that acts as a bridge to Act II, a second act where Cap shows the world the hero he was meant to be, a montage that acts as a bridge to the third act, said third act where everything comes to a head and Cap sacrifices himself, and finally, a modern-day epilogue.  I’m not sure any of the movies that came after can boast such a solid narrative structure (as of this writing I’m up to Doctor Strange in this rewatch, and that statement, at this juncture, stands).

I’d like to single out Hugo Weaving’s performance here.  I know Josh Brolin gets a lot of positive recognition for his portrayal of ultimate bad guy Thanos, and he’s absolutely worthy of it, but I think Weaving’s Red Skull is still my favorite.  It’s certainly a simpler character- a psychotic megalomaniac of almost operatic proportions whose big plan is to destroy big cities with big explosions.  But there’s a nice Silver Age comic book purity in that, which, of course, fits right in with this movie’s period piece aesthetic charm.  And as, essentially, a funhouse mirror-image to Chris Evans’ wholesome, do-right soldier boy, there’s a very clear (and refreshingly non-convoluted) dark vs. light struggle on display.   I remain a little sad that Weaving decided way back when that he was absolutely done with this character, but would the Red Skull really have any place in a modern-day Marvel film?  I mean, beyond what we’ve already seen of his fate?  I think not.  Captain America’s biggest hurdle, post-Captain America has always been his inability to truly integrate himself into modern day sensibilities, and while that would probably be easier to deal with, thematically, when it comes to an insane, noseless, red-skinned, hyper-intelligent superhuman, I think devoting any real screen time to Red Skull’s modern problems would likely belie what we’ve already seen of him and cheapen the character.

Also, side note- how the heck did Tommy Lee Jones end up in this flick?  Whatever.  I’ll take it.  “A divine gift should never be questioned, merely accepted,” I guess.  He’s full-on The Fugitive TLJ here, and that scene where he eats Toby Jones’ steak is perfection.

Oh, and that Chris Evans guy is pretty good too, I guess.

Seriously, though, Marvel Pictures must have cast some voodoo magic ten years ago, because to get someone as perfect as RDJ was for Tony Stark to play Steve Rogers seems almost impossible.  And I remember being a little on the fence about it back then, mostly because the memory of Evans in two shitty Fantastic Four movies (not his fault- I always said he was the best thing about them) was still fresh in my mind.  And remember when John Krasinski’s name was being thrown around the internet as a possibility?  I think I may have been on-board with that back then, for some odd reason, which made Evans seem like a strange choice.  But then I saw the movie.

Anyway, Captain America is a standout. And it has aged amazingly well.  It’s one of those MCU flicks that I’ll just throw on randomly when I’m in the mood for a little familiarity mixed with simplicity wrapped in a satisfyingly thrilling sci-fi package.

tlj

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THE AVENGERS

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“Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all/Together we stand, divided we fall.”

-Roger Waters

Note, 4/3/23: This was written before the seriously uncomfortable stories about Joss Whedon surfaced.  I feel it necessary to state that here.  And while I still believe the guy’s super-talented, it seems pretty likely he’s also a massive douche.  Anyway…

I’m not sure I can pinpoint a favorite in these (at the time of this writing) twenty three films, mostly because tastes change all the time and rewatching often reveals both nuances and overarching themes that one might miss upon the first… five or six or ten viewings of a particular movie (see Captain America, above), but for the longest time The Avengers was definitely that for me.  I’ve certainly seen it the most out of all of these films, having thrown it on many times over the past decade on a random Saturday, and were it not for The Cabin In The Woods (Joss Whedon’s other film released that year, as producer & co-writer), it would have absolutely been my favorite of 2012.  There’s so much positivity and smarts on display here that I feel an absolute childlike glee through most of The Avengers, but especially, of course, in that famous arc shot of our heroes forming up, for the first time as a complete team, on the Park Avenue Viaduct, suited up and ready to kick arse, while Alan Silvestri’s amazing brass section swells around them…

Man.  It literally takes my breath away every time.  And that’s not hyperbole.

And that’s all Whedon, baby.  I know it has become supercool to trash the guy lately (mostly because, as a society, we’re not allowed to have nice things for too long before we get tired of them and turn all contrarian, or whatever, because, socially, we really suck these days. But I digress…), moving forward in the MCU, everything having to do with interpersonal relationships between these characters (as well as new ones introduced in the future), starts HERE.  This is the aesthetic that defines the MCU, patched together by Joss Whedon.  Because, as was evident in stuff like Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Firefly, he knows how humans work, and giving these heroes dialogue that essentially dials them back from superbeings to flawed everypersons is why we can relate to them at all when they’re off together punching aliens in the face, or whatever.  The relationships between these characters are so very different, and the movie is richer for it- Tony Stark’s intellectual brothers-in-science interactions with Bruce Banner are wildly different from his jealous daddy-issue jabs at Steve Rogers, who, in turn, immediately treats Banner as a friend and ally, but greets Stark with the same mistrust as he did his equally flashy father seventy years prior.  Sort of like a bromance triangle, I guess.  Speaking of which, I think it’s clear that Taika Waititi thoroughly mined his Ragnarok Thor/Hulk bromance from this vein.  And that’s all Whedon.

But, you know, cheapen what the guy did for this cinematic universe by being a mouthy edgelord, if you want.  I’m sure that half-assed holy grail called the Justice League Snyder Cut that you’ll never see will totally redeem that film.

Oof.  Sorry.  Basically, I hate people.

Anyway, before I get labelled a Joss Whedon fanboy (actually, go ahead, I don’t really care), I do have to point out that this movie does have its flaws, most notably the awkward, overlong, needlessly convoluted pre-title card sequence.  I mean, we get a lot of exposition in there and it’s SO CLUNKY. Within minutes we’re introduced (and re-introduced) to so many plot elements that we barely have time to register what’s happening before the movie comes (literally) crashing down around us.  I remember when I saw this on opening day.  It went something like this: In an underground science lab a big blue cube from the last movie is channeling energy at some space portal thing that suddenly vomits out that Lord Of The Rings-looking dude from two movies ago who takes over the mind of some Robin Hood guy we only truly just met (not counting his one or two lines spoken in silhouette from that same two-movies-ago movie), and therefore aren’t invested in AT ALL, murders several redshirts, then takes off in the back of a Jeep with the aid of Bow And Arrow Guy and Scientist Man from two movies ago, pursued by new, Important Kickass Lady Character, along with Eyepatch Guy and Mild Mannered G-Man, both of whom we only know from a couple of awkward cameos and post-credits sequences peppered throughout the preceding five movies.  A helicopter crashes, an underground facility caves in, an audience scratches its head and blinks a few times…

Cut to title card.

Yes, I’m being flippant, and yes, I knew all of these characters, situations, and MacGuffins well enough to follow, but I always try to put myself in the shoes of someone less… nerdy?  And even knowing all that was going on, that first viewing of the opening was so tonally and pacing… ly (?) confusing that I actually feared, for a moment, that the next two hours would be just as off-putting and I’d end up pretty disappointed.

Obviously that didn’t happen.  I was thrilled, and my numbed and dazed fellow moviegoers snapped out of it pretty quickly.

I think that’s ‘nuff said here about The Avengers.  There’s a hell of a lot to examine in this film, but as far as these rewatch scribblings go, I think I’m good.  See you… soon?

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