Fleshy-Headed Mutants From The Forbidden Zone.

X-Men: Days Of Future Past: Not really sure what to say about this one.  It’s good, I guess.  I mean, it was kind of exciting at times… just plain “there” at others… I dunno.  It’s an X-Men movie.  They’re really all the friggin’ same.  And with Bryan Singer back behind the camera it’s never going to be much more then lukewarm, anyway.

The plot?  Er… well, the future sucks, so Mutant Juno sends Mutant Jean Valjean’s…  um, wait… is it actually the future?  I guess it’s really the present, considering Mutant Gandalf and Mutant Captain Picard are still really old alive and kicking.  But wait, didn’t Mutant Picard die a few movies ago?  Whatever.  It must be an “alternate MacGuffin timeline,” or whatever.

Sorry.  Where was I?

The future sucks, so Mutant Juno sends Mutant Jean Valjean’s MacGuffin consciousness back to his 1970’s body to change history by stopping Non-Mutant Tyrion Lannister from building super robots that will eventually wipe out everybody.  So, basically, it’s The Terminator.  You see, these super robots are programmed to track and kill mutants, specifically, but I guess eventually that’s not enough, so they start killing non-mutants, too.  I think.  I mean, we were supposed to glean that from the story, right?  I can’t remember if it was actually ever mentioned.  But there’s no one around in the scorched-sky barren wasteland that is this movie’s “future” except for a ragtag band of mutants and an army of upgraded, adaptive “sentinels” hell-bent on killing whoever’s left in some underground bunker.  So, basically, it’s The Matrix: Revolutions.  Meanwhile, in the past, Mutant Guy From Wanted can walk again.  Because, Mutant Jack The Giant Slayer made a MacGuffin serum that temporarily fixes his spinal cord AND conveniently suppresses his ability to read and control minds, thus doing away with pesky audience questions like, “well, why can’t he just find out what Non-Mutant Tyrion Lannister’s plans are,” or, “why can’t he stop Mutant Katniss Everdeen from going all Jason Bourne on everybody,” or, “why can’t he control Non-Helmeted Mutant Lieutenant Archie Hicox’s murderous magnetic tendencies?”

Um… sorry.  Lost my train of thought.

Oh, right, the 1970’s.  Well, Mutant Katniss Everdeen is running around doing her own thing- murder, mayhem, figuring out Non-Mutant Tyrion Lannister’s ultimate plans by disguising herself as him and gaining access to all his research… which she doesn’t destroy for some reason… and Mutant 24601’s crew set out to break Mutant Hicox out of his plastic-and-glass prison with the help of Mutant Recurring American Horror Story Actor and his super-speed.  Which they do.  Then Mutant Horror Story leaves them, because he would be way too helpful to the rest of the plot, and that would cut the movie in half.  Finally, all the mutants converge on Non-Mutant Dick Nixon’s front lawn for a balls-out battle with the super robots, which somehow run on 1970’s technology that would be considered “futuristic” by even tomorrow’s standards, and everybody walks away with a peaceful, easy feeling and hearts that grew three sizes that day.

Except Hugh Jackman.  He gets thrown into a river.

So, um… all that.

But, ultimately, I enjoyed myself.  Yeah, it’s reeeeeally easy to pick apart with snark (I wrote that synopsis in a few minutes with no editing), there are many plot-points that exist solely to cram as many familiar faces and/or now-hot actors into the thing as possible (seriously- it’s a movie starring Hugh Jackman and a shitload of extended cameos), and any time the screenplay seems like it’s writing itself into a corner, some kind of over-explained, yet really simplistic MacGuffin is thrown in to save the day (Prof. X’s spine serum, Kitty Pryde’s sudden ability to send someone into the past, plus, you know, every hand-picked-for-this-plot mutant’s power…), but it’s still fun.  I mean, as forced, out-of-place, and precious as Quicksilver’s* scenes were, they were the coolest in the flick, and Evan Peters was seriously great.  As was James McAvoy- dude took some bad, almost soap-opera level, obvious dialogue and turned it into genuine pathos.  And Hugh Jackman will never not be totally fucking cool in that role.

But there’s still the Bryan Singer problem.  Things are just too clean and neat with him.  His visual style is very Brian DePalma, but without the balls.  His action sequences reference Spielberg, but without the fun.  He never seems to want to blow our minds.  Instead he sort of expects us to meet him halfway, shake hands, and go about our business at 60-100 beats per minute.  Which, for some flicks, isn’t automatically the worst thing in the world.  But this is a superhero movie, and that ain’t gonna fly here.  Case in point (speaking of superheroes and flying)- if his Superman Returns had just one fucking INSANE action sequence, just one, we’d remember it fondly instead of shrugging our collective shoulders and saying, “yeah, whatever.**”  Oh, and to be clear- I’m not saying Days Of Future Past is full of Superman Returns-level non-action.  Far from it.  But its action bits still leave me wanting more.  Yes, Singer seems to have taken some positive steps forward in this regard, but the dude has made four comic-book movies now, and while I see more action than before, I’m not really seeing it get exponentially better.  Last year, James Mangold took my breath away a couple of times with The Wolverine.  This year, Singer fell just a bit short of that with DOFP… and he’s got like 10 times the muties on his palette.

Anyway, again, not a bad flick.  If you haven’t seen it yet, you should.  Once.  Maybe once again when it comes out on DVD/Blu at the Redbox, or when it streams on Netflix.  After that… maybe catch a scene or two when it becomes a twice-a-year Sunday afternoon TBS or TNT staple…

…but that’s it.

*Okay, so here’s the (confusing) deal: both 20th Century Fox and Marvel Studios own the rights to this character, so you’ll be seeing him here and in The Avengers: Age Of Ultron, played by a different actor.  It will be totally unrelated to these flicks, and he won’t be referred to as a “mutant” there, because, legalities, and stuff.  Anyway, it seems to me that his superfluous (albeit really fucking cool) presence here was Fox’s way of beating the FAR SUPERIOR Marvel Universe movies to the punch with this guy.  Because, you know, someone has to have the bigger movie cock, and all…

**The airplane sequence doesn’t count.  Sorry.  Yes, it was well done, but far from INSANE.  You want crazy action?  Last year’s Man Of Steel had it in spades, whether you liked that flick or not.