More 2013 Movies, Part 1: Temperamental Maestros, Tender Mutants, and Talking Meat.

More stuff.  Because what you really want are write-ups about months-old movies, right?

Behind The Candelabra – It occurred to me that even though this wasn’t a theatrical release, it is a full-on movie, so I should say something about HBO’s Liberace biopic that I saw back in May.  Michael Douglas did a fine job portraying everyone’s favorite glitzy piano player, even if it was a little one-note.  Matt Damon, however, was a revelation as Liberace’s boytoy, Scott Thorson.  Just a brilliant, subtle, uncomfortable, fearless performance, perfectly encapsulating what it is about that guy that makes him so great an actor.  Scott Bakula showed up and lit up the screen in an all-too-brief role.  He’s a guy who deserves more of a career than he has these days.  Also, Rob Lowe was unintentionally (I think) frightening as a plastic surgeon who has had one too many plastic surgeries.  Think Alec Baldwin’s stretched-out-face ghost in Beetlejuice.

And as for the movie itself, well, it was… informative.  All I knew about Liberace was from the fantastically colorful and shiny performances I saw on TV (and MAN, that guy could play) as a young’un in the early 80’s.  I never would have known this part of Liberace’s (well, Thorson’s, really) story, had this movie not been made.  So, yeah, it had my interest… for about an hour.  Then I realized it was never going to actually have any real peaks or valleys.   Then I remembered that’s because it was a Steven Soderbergh movie.  And, yeah, I know I (softly) bag on that guy a lot, but his style just doesn’t suit me.  Everything feels so safe.  Hell, even Traffic (the last Soderbergh joint I saw), for all its violent drug-cultureness didn’t leave me with much more than, “yup.  Pretty good, uncomfortable, informative movie, I guess.  Next!”  Of course, that was like fifteen Soderberghs ago, so maybe I shouldn’t assume they’re all like that… but on the other hand, I walked away from Candelabra feeling the same way, fifteen Soderberghs later, so… dunno.

I’m just gonna go with this:  Behind The Candelabra was good.

Wow.  Damn with faint praise much?

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The Wolverine – It’s official- FOX’s Marvel output is back on the up and up.  Things were looking pretty bleak after the 4-part disharmony that was Fantastic 4, X-Men: The Last Stand, Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Two of which, namely the X-titles, I didn’t find to be the cinematic assrapes people keep saying they were, but I wouldn’t defend them as much more than “watchable.”).  Then X-Men: First Class came along and started the ball rolling again (not going to add to the fellating of that movie.  When it was good, it was great.  But there was plenty of stuff that was simply awkward.  Like, you know… the actual “first class”), and now The Jackman returns (again!) to the role that made him a star to knock said ball… well, not exactly out of the park… let’s call it a stand up triple.  An exciting, runner-advancing, RBI-delivering, no-sliding-necessary, man-in-scoring-position triple with two outs and X:Men: Days Of Future Past at the plate.

Hey, I’m writing this as the regular MLB season is ending and my boys are entering the playoffs at the top of their league, so let me have this seriously thin baseball analogy, OK?

Anyway, Hugh Jackman (Huge Ackman?).  I swear, he’s gotta be the coolest guy out there.  Dude has carved out a respectable non-Wolverine career (on the stage too, so you know he’s legit), yet keeps returning to his breakout role.  Sure, he’s getting paid the big bucks, but seriously, he’d get paid no matter what roles he took.  Guy doesn’t have to keep signing the mutant contracts (he’s been in six at this point, next year will make it seven).  I like to think it’s because he both genuinely enjoys playing Logan and isn’t a bigheaded Hollywood douche that longs to forget where he came from.  But, uh, that really doesn’t have much to do with the actual movie, so…

…the actual movie.  Is really great.  It’s a movie that, once it takes off, never stops.  Never slows down.  Even in the quiet scenes there’s a sense of forward momentum.  The action sequences are really goddamned exciting, the secondary characters are all interesting and fully realized (the caveat being “Viper.”  I never really got the point of her), and to top it all off, I’ve found my next wife- Tao Okamoto.  Or, wait… Rila Fukushima.  You know what?  They can fight it out.  Anyway, really the only thing I wasn’t in love with was the ambiguity of the whole “Wolverine losing his powers” thing.  I mean, yes, they “explain” why it was happening, but it was awkward.  And its place in the finale was almost laughable (a machine specifically shaped and designed to sit Wolverine down, secure his arms, and drill into the bone marrow of his claws so the guy in the samurai-shaped hyperbaric adamantium mech armor can be young again?  Yeah, it’s a comic book flick, but Jeebus Creebus, that’s a stretch…), but it didn’t kill the movie.  It just, well… see the whole baseball thing above.

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G. I. Joe: Retaliation – I didn’t think it was possible, but once Channing Tatum got offed at the beginning of this movie (spoiler a-DERP!) they found an equally bland waste-of-space to replace him (D.J. Cotrona, in case you care about actors you may never see again).  So, that happened.  Oh, but there was also Adrian Palicki, who was almost as bland, so… TWO bland actors to replace one bland actor.  I mean, fuck- this is a brainless action movie based on a 1980s-era toy line.  It doesn’t take much, kids.  Just ask Dwayne Johnson.  Well, yeah, he was kinda bland, too, but he at least knows how to sell buddy scenes and action sequences.  Seriously, when your most interesting character is a mute guy who wears a black helmet for the entire movie (Darth Ray Park), you know you’ve got something, er… “special” on your hands.

Not a total loss, though.  There’s some fun (if not pointless) action, like the mountainside ninja fight, and… OK, maybe that was it.  But, it’s always a pleasure to see Jonathan Pryce, Ray Stevenson, and Walt Goggins pop up in random movies to add some class…. even if zero multiplied by anything is still zero… and I swore I saw Bruce Willis at some point.  I think it was a scene in a church with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone.  Oh, wait… that was The Expendables.  Same scene here, though- the one where he cashes a check while sleepwalking.

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Oh, also, this:

And this:

This, too:

Also, also this:

And also this:

But, finally, this:

Part 2 HERE.

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