2013: A Year In, Like, uhh… My Opinions, Man.

Posted: January 8, 2014 | Author: Coswald | Filed under: Brian A. Costello, Movie, Opinion, Man., Review | Tags: 2013, a good day to die hard, after earth, An Unexpected Journey, behind the candelabra, bruce willis, Bryan Singer, channing tatum, Desolation Of Smaug, Elysium, Escape From Tomorrow, evil dead, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Gravity, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Inside Llewyn Davis, iron man 3, Jack The Giant Slayer, john dies at the end, man of steel, michelle williams, monsters university, movie 43, movies, Olympus Has Fallen, Oz The Great And Powerful, Pacific Rim, Pain & Gain, peter jackson, review, Shaun Of The Dead, Star Trek Into Darkness, The Dark World, The Hobbit, the last stand, The Lone Ranger, the wolverine, The World's End, This Is The End, Thor, v/h/s/2, White House Down, world war z | Leave a comment

Not going to bother with the usual, “this is the order of the movies I saw this year from worst to best” thing.  Instead, here’s the best, the worst, the runners-up, and then some fun.

Worst Movie Runner-Up: A Good Day To Die Hard

Yeah, it was so bad I turned it off.  I can count on one hand how many times I’ve done that, with fingers to spare.  I’d say this movie took a dump on its own history, but that’s too blasé.  What it actually did was spray diarrhea all over its history.  Then Bruce Willis wiped its ass with a hundred-dollar bill, took a match to said benjamin, used that to light a stogie, and then tossed the still-burning match in your eye.

You know, I was all set to call this one the worst movie of the year, but I’m not sure that’s fair since, as stated, I never finished watching it.  Who knows, maybe it suddenly got really good and had a fantastic second half.  Probably not, but until the day I revisit it and finish it (you know, that day when it snows in hell…), I’m not gonna call it 2013’s worst.  No, that honor goes to…

Worst Movie Of The Year: Oz The Great And Powerful

A movie that makes the overreliance on CGI in the Star Wars prequels look positively tame.  A movie that uses color like a blunt weapon.  A movie that might have a script, but I refuse to believe humans could be so dumb.  A movie that makes me embarrassed for almost everyone on screen.  A movie that makes Sam Raimi look like a complete sellout.

The love for this movie astounds me.  Maybe it’s based on 75 years of goodwill?  Dunno.  When I watched it I didn’t think, “this was a viable prequel to The Wizard Of Oz.”  No, my thinking was more along the lines of, “you might have used every color in the Crayola box to draw it, but a crayon abortion is still an abortion.”

Favorite Movie Runner-Up: Iron Man 3

The best Marvel flick out there that isn’t called The Avengers.  It exists as a reminder that heroes, be they real or fictional, are humans first.  And humans are intricate creatures that go through some real tough mental shit sometimes.

Also, it’s got flying mechanical suits of armor that shoot repulsor beams at genetically-altered bad guys.

Favourite Movie Of The Year: The World’s End

The thrilling end to Edgar Wright’s “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy.”  Which isn’t really a trilogy, in the strictest sense.  But it is three movies, linked by director, writers, actors, and garden fence shenanigans.  So, a trilogy in spirit.  With ice cream.

I went from kind of liking it in the theater to being obsessed by it at home.  Seriously, just like Shaun Of The Dead, this is a movie that I’m not going to get bored with.  I could pop it in at any time.  It may even surpass said zombie movie in my favorites list, given a few years.  It’s sad, it’s happy, it’s funny, it’s sly, it’s super-smart, it’s deliciously layered, it’s wickedly loquacious, it’s utterly brilliant.

Now that that’s over with, here’s the first (and probably last) annual “Opinion, Man Movie Awards” for 2013.

Worst Use Of A Pretty Good Ensemble: Jack The Giant Slayer

Ewan McGregor.  Stanley Tucci.  Ian McShane.  Bill Nighy.  Eddie Marsan.  Thanks for wasting their time and ours, Bryan Singer.  Good luck with your next mutant movie.  I’m sure it will be soooooo exciting…

Best Use Of Channing Tatum: G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Because they kill him off right away.

Coolest Experience In A Movie Theater: Gravity

Fuck 3-D.  This thing will immerse you in the immensity of the universe without those stupid glasses.  Besides, you don’t need shit popping out at you to experience fear, hope, loss, and emotional rebirth.

Also, side note- you’ll all be receiving a save-the-date card in the mail soon for the Bullock-Costello nuptials  (never thought I’d say that.  Well, post-Demolition Man, anyway…).

EDIT, 2:45 PM, 1/8/14: As this has actually caused some confusion amongst a reader or two, I feel the need to say this- I’m not actually engaged to Sandra Bullock.  Hard to believe she wouldn’t want to marry me, I know, but in my defense, she hasn’t met me yet.

Best Movie I Haven’t Seen Yet: Inside Llewyn Davis

Because, Coens.

The Saved-By-A-Second-Viewing Award: Man Of Steel

Remember all that hubbub about how much city-wide destruction happens in this movie and how it totally ruins it?  Yeah.  While you were fretting over all those poor, wounded fictional masses you forgot to watch the movie.  And, yes, I know I added to that ridiculous discussion.  I was wrong.  So was everybody else.  See it again.

The Saved-By-A-Superior-Extended-Edition Award: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Extended Edition)

Peter Jackson rules.  Extended Peter Jackson rules more (HIIIYYYOOO!!).

The Most Fun At The Theater Award: The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug

That barrel scene, man.  Fun, silly, thrilling, scary, effing cool.

Also, Benedict Cumbersmaug.

Best Non-Tolkien Use Of Elves And Magical Weapons: Thor: The Dark World

Maybe not as insightful as Iron Man 3, but why should it be?  It’s about a Norse god who throws a flying hammer around when he’s not lighting a fire in Queen Amidala’s nethers.  It’s more Flash Gordon than it is Superman, and that’s just perfect.

Best Sequel That Totally Negates Its Awful Predecessor: V/H/S/2

Next up: L/A/S/E/R/D/I/S/C.

Best Movie About Old Friends.  And Beer.  And Robots: The World’s End

There’s a little bit of Gary King in all of us.  Which is why, after all the awful things he does to manipulate his friends, we still love him.

Best Villain Reveal, Maybe Ever: Iron Man 3

If the big Mandarin twist gets your panties in a bunch, you’re taking it too seriously.  And you totally missed the point.

Batshit-Fucking-Crazy Movie Of The Year: Escape From Tomorrow

If Eraserhead took place at Disneyland it might look something like this.  Take away all the “guerilla-style filmmaking without Disney’s permission” stuff and you’ve still got a completely engrossing bit of independant filmmaking that will keep your brain firing on all cylinders.  Now add that stuff back and it becomes some next-level shit.  It’s a surreal world, after all.

Best Prequel: Monsters University

Pixar, you complete me.

Best Use Of Buckets And Buckets And Buckets Of Chunky, Bloody Vomit: Evil Dead

It ain’t perfect, but it is perfectly gross.  So very perfectly gross.  And to stand tall as both a quality remake to a beloved series and a cabin-in-the-woods horror movie in a post-Cabin In The Woods world only makes it cooler.

Best Turnaround For A Mediocre, Non-Avengers-Related Comic Book Movie Series: The Wolverine

It’s so good that you wish they’d just abandon those uneven, awkward X-Men movies and just make Wolverine sequels from now on.

Best Mashup Of Other Movies: Oblivion

I mean, you’ve already seen this movie, like, ten times, so why not check it out again… for the first time?

The “Holy Shit, Michael Bay Is Actually Talented When He Wants To Be” Award: Pain & Gain

I guess he’s more than meets… the… eye…

Kill me now.

The “Let’s Waste An Amazing Amount Of Time Whining & Complaining About And Being Really Angry & Picking Fights Over Something As Universally Unimportant As A Big-Budget Blockbuster Sequel To A Big-Budget Blockbuster Remake Of An Absolutely Brilliant, Yet, Ultimately, Cancelled 60’s Sci-Fi Television Show” Award: Star Trek Into Darkness

You mean you can like both cats and dogs?  Red and white wine?  The Russian Tea Room and Taco Bell?  Vanilla and chocolate?  Classic Trek and Pop Trek?  Beam me to THAT fucking planet, Scotty, this one’s lost up its own arse.

Most Bipolar Movie Of The Year: Pacific Rim

Pro: Truly spectacular, jaw-dropping giant monsters vs. giant robots action.

Con: Everything else.

The double sledgehammer-to-the-frontal-lobe subplot featuring the hate crime onscreen pairing of, uh, scientists Charlie Day and Burn Gorman might make you lose the will to live.  But if you can get through it, I promise a robot will punch a monster in the face.  Several times.

The “Awww… How Cute… But I Never Need To See It Again” Award: This Is The End

Funny guys play “themselves” during the apocalypse in LA.  It’s worth seeing.  Then it’s worth remembering that you saw it.  Then go back to your life.

Best Movie That Wasn’t Bad Despite What You Heard But Is Absolutely Too Long (By, Like, 30 Minutes): The Lone Ranger

Too many plots, too many characters, too many frames of film.  It’s what Gore Verbinski does.  It worked for his three Pirates Of The Caribbean movies, and it worked for Rango, but here it’s too much.  When the big finale happens, complete with the William Tell Overture, it seems completely out of place.  But that’s because the movie finally gets over itself and does what it should have done from the getgo: ENTERFUCKINGTAIN.

Best Under-The-Radar Comedy: Movie 43

Hugh Jackman shows his balls in this movie.  You’re welcome.

Most Shockingly Not-Bad Movie: After Earth

…now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with Mr. Smiff about my thetan levels…

Good, Yet Most Overrated HBO Thing Of The Year: Behind The Candelabra

Michael Douglas and Matt Damon have a complicated relationship.  For two hours.

Most Geographically-Convenient Plane Crash Movie: World War Z

How come my planes never crash within walking distance of a brewery?

Best Humble Little Action Movie Featuring A Long-Awaited Return To The Biz: The Last Stand

We missed you, Arnold.  This was a great career-restarter.  And it was the best acting you’ve done in… maybe ever?  Now stop making Expendables movies and get your ass back to Mars, or something.

The Unintentionally Implied Incest Award: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

I mean, if I were Gemma Arterton’s brother, I guess I’d be into it, too…

Biggest Letdown Of The Year: John Dies At The End

Bubba Ho-Tep it ain’t.

Worst Jodie Foster Performance Since The Dawn Of History: Elysium

I mean, seriously.  There’s some next-level bad acting happening here.  Also, the movie’s not so good.

Best Die Hard Movie Of The Year: Olympus Has Fallen

Totally fun, totally self-assured, totally exciting.  Gerard Butler knows how to entertain by keeping it simple.

Dumbest Die Hard Movie Of The Year: White House Down

Totally boring, totally self-conscious, totally lazy.  Channing Tatum knows how to chew gum.  And walk.  Just not at the same time.

Worst Die Hard Movie Of The Year: A Good Day To Die Hard

Totally fucking banal, totally fucking clueless, totally fucking stupid.  Bruce Willis knows how to spend your fucking money.

The Most Colorful Turd You’ll Ever Smell Award: Oz The Great And Powerful

“Hey, wow, that porcelain doll character is gonna be so photorealistic!  Let’s feature her for 30 minutes of the runtime- we need something to offset Mila Kunis’ worst career performance.  And will somebody wake Michelle Williams?  She was asleep for her last three scenes.  And I never thought I’d say this, but will someone get James Franco more high, please?  He’s having trouble picturing all the greens and golds and cornflower blues we’re going to digitally vomit up onto the screen to overcompensate for this sub-George Lucas script.  Oh, and hey, keep an eye on Rachel Weisz- she keeps trying to escape.  Also, stay away from the men’s room between takes- Zach Braff is trying really hard to stay in flying-monkey character, so he’s throwing poop at the mirrors and chronically masturbating in the corner stall.”

-Sam Raimi

Well, that’s it.  Only 32 movies.  12 seen in a theater, 1 made-for-TV, 1 Blu-Ray Extended Edition, 1 never finished, 4 based on comic books, 2 based on fairy tales, 2 “abandoned Earth” Scientology flicks, 4 prequels, 8 sequels, 3 Die Hards, and that one I know is great even though I haven’t seen it yet.  

So, what’s up for 2014?  Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit might be good… I, Frankenstein could either be dumb fun or another Van Helsing… against my better judgement, I actually have hope for the Robocop remake, although a well-cut trailer does not a good movie make… 300: Rise Of An Empire will, at the very least, look pretty… Nymphomaniac will undoubtedly be controversial, because, people… Captain America 2 could go either way, but I’m betting on a thumbs-up… New Spidey 2 might actually pull a V/H/S/2 and redeem its bad predecessor… Godzilla, uh, ?… will X-Men: Days Of Future Past be as good as The Wolverine, will it be as pretty good as the overrated First Class?  As I have no faith in Bryan Singer, I’m betting on the latter… Transformers 4 will be Transformers 1-3 thrown in a blender and repackaged as “a new direction for the franchise”… if Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes is half as good as Rise Of, I’ll be one happy human… I hope Guardians Of The Galaxy is a home run, because it sounds so cool… Expendables 3 is happening… Sin City 2?  Shouldn’t that have happened years ago?  Do we even care anymore?… I guess I could say the same about Dumb And Dumber To, but I won’t because I miss Jim Carrey… um, is Clerks III still a thing?  Can we make it not still a thing?… and, finally, The Hobbit: There And Back Again.  I preemptively love it.  But you knew that already.

Anyway, it was fun, 2013.  Catch you later.

-BC

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